Author Archives: Kitta

The below is a true story based on a badass conversation I had with Matt a few days ago. Names of fairies involved have been changed to protect their addiction and make them sound much cooler than they really are…

Kitta: My room is a mess. Maybe if I close my eyes the red fairy will come clean it for me.

I closed my eyes and then opened them after sufficient time had passed for the fairy to do her thing, only to find everything still in it’s natural messy state…

Kitta: Oh, fuck you red fairy!
Matt: That red fairy is a bitch, even when she does clean your room she steals your valuables!
Kitta: That talentless asshat. I will have to call the green fairy next time. She’s a hippie and leaves behind candles and freshly cut daisies.
Matt: Thats true, but it takes ages to get rid of the smell of pot.
Kitta: Is there any fairy without a drug problems?! Red – crack, blue – ice, green – pot, orange – heroin, pink – lsd, black – everything mixed together with some fertilizer added for taste.
Matt: That gold ones on ecstasy, thats why she moves so fast.
Kitta: The purple is the worst of them all. She tries to hide her addiction; she goes into the hospital, complains of being in pain, when she really just wants to score some drugs and free tongue depressors.
Matt: One time at school I used a compass to draw a smily face on a mylanta tablet and told someone it was ecstasy, the next day everyone thought I was a drug dealer.
Kitta: I’m dating a mylanta drug dealer.
Matt: Don’t forget the gun slinging bit.*
Kitta: I’m dating a bad ass mylanta drug dealing, plastic gun wielding mofo. Oh baby.
Matt: You want to know something really bad?
Kitta: Sure, couldn’t be worse than the dealing mylanta.
Matt: You know at Candy’s birthday party how i was so out of it?**
Kitta: Yeah.
Matt: Well… it was half because I was sick and half because I had three times the recommended daily dose of antihistamines and I was doped up.
Kitta: Matthew!
Matt: I felt crappy and I really wanted to feel better for Candy’s party… It didn’t work though.
Kitta: Lucky you didn’t drink that night.
Matt: Yeah, well I wasn’t going to anyways.
Kitta: Bad Matt.
Matt: I’m sowwy.
Kitta: I’m dating a badass antihistamine overdosing, mylanta drug dealing, plastic gun wielding mofo.
Matt: Yep, thats me.

* That’s a whole separate blog entry that Matt would probably tell best on his blog.

** He was so terribly out of it, we shouldn’t have let him drive around with a Tiger that wasn’t wearing a seat-belt in the back-seat.

It it give me great pleasure to introduce you all to the newest memeber of my growing Mac family – she is only small and hours old, so please, admire her gently and comment quietly…

I named her Maiya and she is a 30gb iPod video. Isn’t she georgeous?

Yes, I know everyone thinks their iPod is cutest iPod ever, and that everyone will agree with them about said cuteness even though all iPod’s look the same, but Maiya, she’s different. I knew it from the moment I opened up her packaging and held her in my hand.

Sabastian has interfaced with her lovingly already – completly forgetting about his former beloved Tatiana – ogling Maiya’s ample 30gb hard drive and her 136 gram frame, looking deep into her files and penetrating his data into her.

Kids these days; they interface at such an early age. 😉

Today, I turned 22 human years old. That makes me Kitta – Version 2.2 Alpha.

It been a good day and week, but also, a sad week because yesterday was the anniversary of my grandfathers death (we’re planning on going to visit his grave this week). 😦

I was given some thoughtful and useful birthday presents by family and loved ones; A 1gb flash drive and money from my grandmother, a beautiful silver jewellery box and money from my mother, a midget Mexican that came in a El Maco meal from my brother (not really, but how cool would that be). One present that I seriously didn’t expect, and still haven’t gotten used to the fact I was given it, is this…

Yep. A MacBook.

A bloody Mac-fucking-book.

Mac-thatlookslikeabig-Book.

It was given to me by my loving, wonderful, amazing, [insert more ass kissing here] boyfriend Matt. He came over and presented me with two boxes wrapped in animal print paper, one was large and square and the other small and rectangular, he told me to open the latter first, I opened it and saw that it was a wireless access point. I thought ‘wireless, why the hell would he give me this?’ and proclaimed my thoughts in a confused tone, “wireless?” he smiled and said to open the larger box. I did as I was told and tore off a strip off the wrapping paper, enough to expose the pristine white box with ‘MacBook’ embossed on the front. My jaw dropped. I sat there not moving and staring at the box. I looked at Matt, then back at the box, back at Matt… Box. Matt. Box. Matt. Like eyeball pong. My brain finally connected the dots and I exclaimed, “you got me a MacBook!?” he replied with a simple “yep” and a nod. Again, for clarification purposes, I asked slowly “You. Got. Me. A. MacBook?!?” he responded with a laugh. I gently placed the box down – still only with a sliver of wrapping paper torn off to expose what was inside – and got up to give Matt a hug. I then went back and finished un-wrapping my present. I opened it up and I could not contain my excitement, I hugged him a few more times as he set-up the wireless, something which I was unable to do, for I was far too busy looking at it’s shininess and saying “a fucking MacBook” to myself.

I was in a Mac induced state and loved it.

I showed my mother my shiny new baby and the first thing she did was whisper harshly to me, “how much did that cost?!” and I ignored her because I was busy licking my Mac and introducing it to my iPod, my mother then looked at Matt and said his name, as if to scold him for spending so much money on me. Meanwhile I was in the background cuddling my new baby, telling it that we were going to be the bestest of best friends and from now on it was the only computer that owned my heart.

I should have know, Matt kept making jokes that he was going to give me a apple for my birthday, I simply took it as him being a tease and disregarded it. I had no idea. He said that my face when I opened it was classic. I named my shiny new MacBook Sabastian, mainly because I like the name, but also because I can make sexual innuendoes when Sabastian interfaces with my iPod Tatiana (oh yeah, they share their data hard, baby.)

I am planning to go out this weekend to celebrate with friends; see a movie, take some photos, eat Macca’s. Here’s to being one year old and one year wiser!

Note: Yes, I do realise that I now have to increase my age in the sidebar and colophon to 22 – someone already informed me at 12:00:01am – I shall change it later today.

If shoe designers were web 2.0 compliant…

Shoes + Web 2.0 = the above.

Yay Hooray started it with a parody thread of re-designed famous logos made to look web 2.0 compliant, now it has turned into a Flickr meme, everyone is re-designing famous logos to look like the shiny, rounded, shadowy web 2.0 logos and uploading them to Flickr with the ‘yay2dot0logoparody’ to show how it would look if the world was 2.0. The shinyness is blinding! The above JIMMY CHOOr logo is a rip off of the Flickr logo.

Tay has a collection of some of the best logos here.

Good news. I received the results from the less than three monitor (multi-day holter monitor) today, everything is fine, no arrhythmias or any other nasty stuff. As I suspected, my heart is simply under stress from chronic illness (motility disorder and immunological problems) and beats faster than normal, but has no abnormal arrhythmias and won’t cause any damage. I am glad there was nothing wrong with my less than three. 🙂

Note: For the less than geeky, less than three = ❤ or heart.

I was SMSing Matt while he was doing some grocery shopping, he has a strange addiction to Cottonelle toilet paper – the one with the puppy print – and is overly excited whenever it is in stock…

Matt: Yay, they have puppy print! 😀
Kitta: It’s the small things that amuse you. 😛
Matt: I was going to make a joke about how small things amuse you too, but then I realised I would be teasing myself…
Kitta: And that would be so un-true. 😉

Matt and I have been together for six months today – I will now pause for you all to let out a “dawwww” – and since I have known him not a week has pasted without him asking if he can have random silly things, as most are animal based I always reply with a stern “no”. It’s not that I’m being mean, sure, if he had a farm with a salt lake he could have a Dolphin and a Zebra, but since he rents a townhouse I doubt his landlord or his housemates would be very happy about a Dolphin being in the bath or a Zebra in the kitchen. I now present you with a list I have kept of things he can’t have…

Things Matt can’t have

• Helper monkey
• Baby panda
• Pod racer
• Pet Jar Jar Binks
• Penguin
• Beaver
• Baby polar bear
• Baby lion
• Lion
• Dolphin
• Baby seal
• Cheetah
• Zebra
• Eagle
• Hawk
• Raven
• Pet midget
• Squirrel
• Chipmunk
• Turtle
• Fox
• Lemur
• Mongoose
• Tortoise
• Quokka
• Giraffe
• Musk ox
• A flux capacitor
• $3000 LCD TV (apparently one needs a $3000 TV for an Xbox 360’s graphics to look any good)
• Matching scooters and scooter jackets
• A robot ATM (like the one on the ANZ bank TVC)

“Why don’t you ever want something normal, like a puppy or a hooker” I asked him one day, to which he replied “would you let me have a puppy or a hooker?”

Note to self: Never take Matt to the zoo.

Over the past four years of blogging I have had some interesting search phrases show up in my stats. Now and again I play a game with Sergio called ‘who has the most fucked up search term’, the rules are simple, whoever has the most disgusting search term wins and claims the glory of having the most fucked up website viewers. It’s a highly regarded award that I have won many times. I mostly receive disgusting searches about granny porn, monkey porn, granny and monkey porn orgies, and searches about myself naked (not happening people). I thought I would document some of my fucked up search term’s (FUST’s) from the past month…

June FUST’s

• China syndrome porn
• Soviet diamond fund
• Cute nurses giving injections
• Helena Bonham-carter lesbian
• Monkey eating cheese
• Sims 2 how to alien impregnation
• Put the ooo in shampoo
• My shoelace will take over the world
• Big brother Australia fucking housemates while they sleep rumours
• Life is like a bucket of wood shavings
• Monkey vagina pictures
• Make a monkey talk like Simon Cowell
• How would you say Happy Easter in Australia (it’s said as ‘Happy Easter’)
• Tupgirl and lemon party orgy
• Aliens blowing up puppies
• I have a piece of metal like a hair growing from my knee
• Free fucking website of old grannies
• Sublimable messages through disney movies (that is how they spelt subliminal)
• How to write like a kool haxor

And my favourite…

• Advice on how to leave my mistress

You want my advice on how to leave your mistress? Ok. Here’s what you do… Don’t. Because she will contact your wife who will throw you out of home, your beloved mistress will then not take your sorry ass in, and you’ll be sleeping on your friend Larry’s couch while he sings in the shower to Shania Twain and begs you to come join him because he’s lost his soap. Unless you want to look for soap while moaning to ‘You’re Still The One’ I would think twice before even obtaining a mistress.