Badass Boyfriend

The below is a true story based on a badass conversation I had with Matt a few days ago. Names of fairies involved have been changed to protect their addiction and make them sound much cooler than they really are…

Kitta: My room is a mess. Maybe if I close my eyes the red fairy will come clean it for me.

I closed my eyes and then opened them after sufficient time had passed for the fairy to do her thing, only to find everything still in it’s natural messy state…

Kitta: Oh, fuck you red fairy!
Matt: That red fairy is a bitch, even when she does clean your room she steals your valuables!
Kitta: That talentless asshat. I will have to call the green fairy next time. She’s a hippie and leaves behind candles and freshly cut daisies.
Matt: Thats true, but it takes ages to get rid of the smell of pot.
Kitta: Is there any fairy without a drug problems?! Red – crack, blue – ice, green – pot, orange – heroin, pink – lsd, black – everything mixed together with some fertilizer added for taste.
Matt: That gold ones on ecstasy, thats why she moves so fast.
Kitta: The purple is the worst of them all. She tries to hide her addiction; she goes into the hospital, complains of being in pain, when she really just wants to score some drugs and free tongue depressors.
Matt: One time at school I used a compass to draw a smily face on a mylanta tablet and told someone it was ecstasy, the next day everyone thought I was a drug dealer.
Kitta: I’m dating a mylanta drug dealer.
Matt: Don’t forget the gun slinging bit.*
Kitta: I’m dating a bad ass mylanta drug dealing, plastic gun wielding mofo. Oh baby.
Matt: You want to know something really bad?
Kitta: Sure, couldn’t be worse than the dealing mylanta.
Matt: You know at Candy’s birthday party how i was so out of it?**
Kitta: Yeah.
Matt: Well… it was half because I was sick and half because I had three times the recommended daily dose of antihistamines and I was doped up.
Kitta: Matthew!
Matt: I felt crappy and I really wanted to feel better for Candy’s party… It didn’t work though.
Kitta: Lucky you didn’t drink that night.
Matt: Yeah, well I wasn’t going to anyways.
Kitta: Bad Matt.
Matt: I’m sowwy.
Kitta: I’m dating a badass antihistamine overdosing, mylanta drug dealing, plastic gun wielding mofo.
Matt: Yep, thats me.

* That’s a whole separate blog entry that Matt would probably tell best on his blog.

** He was so terribly out of it, we shouldn’t have let him drive around with a Tiger that wasn’t wearing a seat-belt in the back-seat.

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