Category Archives: General

The rumours are all true, I turned 21 years old today. Happy Birthday to me.

Even as a baby I was plotting things. If I could have blogged straight after birth, I’m sure it would have sounded like this…

“Yes, first I will get out of these diapers, a good world dominator can not wear diapers, they must poop unassisted! Then I must do something about this lack of walking. Hmm. Then a secret lair must be obtained. So much to do, I’m sort of sleepy now. Baby yawn. Will plot more tomorrow.”

Today wasn’t what I had expected my 21st birthday would be like. There was no celebration, joy, jubilation, nor any birthday fun. The reason why all those wonderful birthday feeling were absent is because my grandfather passed away on Monday and I spent today – my 21st birthday – making funeral arrangements with my family. People keep asking me “how does it feel to be 21?” and all I can say is “shitty”. I have such a mix of emotions going on right now, I don’t know what to think; am I meant to be sad about my grandfather passing away or happy about my birthday? I’ve been in shock and it didn’t really hit me that he was gone until I opened my birthday card – which my grandmother wrote weeks ago – and read the last line…

I think even if she had of wrote it later and left him off the card it would have still hurt the same, if not more.

I turn into the next aisle at the supermarket and see two men and a young boy, one of the men is eating some bird seed, he puts the bird seed down and proclaims…

“If it ain’t good enough to feed a human, then don’t feed it to a bird is what I say.”

Ain’t that profound?

The lady at my local deli doesn’t seem to like me.

Now I know that this shouldn’t bother me, but damnit, I want to have a friendly relationship with my deli lady. I wish for it to mimic the relationship I had with my previous deli lady – she was epitome of all deli ladies worldwide – ex-deli lady would make jokes about how anybody could beat her prices, but since everywhere else was closed I was screwed, so I better bloody enjoy the insanely over priced can of tuna.

The new owner is not the same, not at all, she always has this look about her, a look that says at any moment she could to pull out a rifle and yell “you steal gum you die motherfucker” and I don’t even like gum.

I’ve tried to get her to warm to me, by keeping my hands in clear view so she could see no gum stealing was in progress or by presenting the exact change for my purchases, but she still gives me a “die motherfucker” look.

Maybe she does this to scare off potential gum thieves (gum can be hard to obtain) or maybe she had some sort of plastic surgery disaster that makes her that way. What ever it is, I’m going to keep trying to crack her, get her to at least smile and release the grip on her gum bandit killing rifle, if only for a second…

But if she doesn’t warm up to me soon, I’m going to steal some gum just to fuck with her.

Kitta: Right o.
Sergio: Right o?
Sergio: Dude, you just lost like a gajillion points of cool.
Sergio: Right o… jeez.
Sergio: What’s next? “Tubular”?
Sergio: “Oopsie daisy”?
Kitta: Why don’t you go outside and play hide and go fuck yourself.
Sergio: HAHAHAHAHA!
Sergio: I love pissing you off.
Kitta: I love retorting.
Sergio: You write so mean when you’re pissed off.
Kitta: Only for you, baby.
Kitta: Only you.
Sergio: It warms my heart, it does.

Mum: What do you want for your birthday?
Me: A digital rebel XT.
Mum: How much is that?
Me: About $1500.
Mum: So… What else do you want for your birthday?

Jade commented that it’s hard to think of something to give as a 21st gift and I have to agree – I’m still trying to find something perfect for Candy (start with the hints girl) – she suggested I should write a list, I have, and here it is…

• Ashton AV442 violin
• A FoofPod in blue split
• Logitech MX 1000 cordless laser mouse
• Computer tool kit (I keep stealing my brothers)
• UGG boots
• Hunna’s Under one roof and Natural Selection DVD’s
• Curious Perfume
• A Victoria’s Secret, Jinx, Thinkgeek, Threadless, Emitions or Game Head gift certificate.
• Silk knitting needle case (in gold/lavender), needle sleeve (in lavender) or a knit one bag (in mandarin)

Lynne Heming – the ugly duckling featured on several current affair programs – in my mind, is quite a silly young lady.

First off, she had a few plastic surgeries and procedures to make herself resemble a Barbie doll. Fine, she’s a sports model, bigger boobs can be a great advantage in sports modelling and they might help her win a few competitions, possibly do more promo work (“three cougars thanks”) and hopefully pay back the money to recoup her investment. What annoys me is she went to Today Tonight with her story, in what seems like an attempt to help her career. Did she not fathom that the media is evil, especially current affair programs?

Google her name and you get a small mention on a sports competition site, maybe she should have boosted her web presence before her chest size (which, after I hit submit, I will have done for her).

Normally, I wouldn’t watch this sort of filth, but I have a cold and watching vapid cosi girls (girls who get so much cosmetic surgery that no one recognises them) get biased by the media is entertaining.

Nikita: My throat is so sore, I’m sucking throaties more often then a fluff girl gives BJ’s on a porn set.

I say the darndest things when on cold medicine.

I was in a shopping centre today when it happened, and as I walked around I wondered why it was so eerily quiet, it was the first days of the great yearly toy sale and normally parents are wrestling each other for the last Bratz or Roboraptor. Not today.

On the way home I turned on the radio and it was then that I heard about the bombings in London and I realised why the shops were so quiet at that time.

I hate the feeling you get when you first hear about it, you try to do a tally of friends and family in your head and your mind races. The Brit Pack all seem to be fine, I’m just wondering about a few loved ones, but I’m sure they are all fine. No point clogging up the already congested phone lines. Turns out they’re fine. 🙂

I hope all your friends and family are safe and sound as well.

On August 2nd of this year I will be turning 21 years old – a milestone birthday to some people – it will mean I can legally drink all over the world, woo-yay. The only problem is I have no bloody idea what to do for my birthday, nada, nothing, zip, crap all.

So dear readers, I’m open to your suggestions, ideas and thoughts on what I you think I should do for my 21st birthday, but please note…

• Drinking is out due to my current health problems (Damn, and I really wanted to partake in the local ritual of getting so drunk you need a good old stomach pumping… Yes, I am being sarcastic).
• It’s winter here and bloody cold outside (Ok, not frostbite cold, but I’m Australian and anything below 15 degrees is cold to us).
• In no way will it involve a male stripper, I don’t do strippers (I mean it Candy).
• Neither will it involve me stripping (I mean it Sergio and Taylor).
• Funds are limited (I have fun doctors bills to pay).

Hopefully we can come up with something decent and alcohol free.

Speaking of birthday’s…

Karen Cheng just celebrated her birthday in style, Sergio Villarreal is about to celebrate his on the 14th and my brothers 22nd birthday is at the end of this month. Birthday’s all around.

Dearest internet,

I have a confession to make. Some of you might be aware of this, while others probably had no idea about this dirty little secret of mine. Here’s goes. Until today I was a… a…

Dialupper.

Yes I know, shocking isn’t it? It’s really not my fault, the exchange I’m on wasn’t broadband ready until now (fucking Telstra), so I had no choice in the matter, unless I moved (the thought did cross my mind). For years now I have been taunted by certain people who wear gay pants for not having high speed internet, ridiculed at every click because it would take me hours, if not days, on my dial up connection to downloaded the newest clip doing the rounds on blogs. But the day of reckoning has come, the day that I, Nikita Kashner, am no longer a dialupper.

Woo-fucking-hoo-yay-shit-yeah!!!!!!!!!!!!!
(Please excuse the exclamation point molestation)

Now If you don’t mind, I’m off to download anything I see… because I can! 😉

Your’s sincerely,
Nikita ‘broadbander’ Kashner
xoxox