Deli Lady

Gum

The lady at my local deli doesn’t seem to like me.

Now I know that this shouldn’t bother me, but damnit, I want to have a friendly relationship with my deli lady. I wish for it to mimic the relationship I had with my previous deli lady – she was epitome of all deli ladies worldwide – ex-deli lady would make jokes about how anybody could beat her prices, but since everywhere else was closed I was screwed, so I better bloody enjoy the insanely over priced can of tuna.

The new owner is not the same, not at all, she always has this look about her, a look that says at any moment she could to pull out a rifle and yell “you steal gum you die motherfucker” and I don’t even like gum.

I’ve tried to get her to warm to me, by keeping my hands in clear view so she could see no gum stealing was in progress or by presenting the exact change for my purchases, but she still gives me a “die motherfucker” look.

Maybe she does this to scare off potential gum thieves (gum can be hard to obtain) or maybe she had some sort of plastic surgery disaster that makes her that way. What ever it is, I’m going to keep trying to crack her, get her to at least smile and release the grip on her gum bandit killing rifle, if only for a second…

But if she doesn’t warm up to me soon, I’m going to steal some gum just to fuck with her.

19 Comments on “Deli Lady

  1. probably everyone beats her prices but the difference is there all open she better put a smile on her face or she’s in trouble

  2. she could to pull out a rifle and yell “you steal gum you die motherfucker”

    Is your deli lady Samuel L. Jackson by any chance? Seriously but, you should be lucky you have a deli at all. In some places you have to go to a servo or something like that.

  3. Tell you what, thumb your way s-l-o-w-l-y through all her gum pretending to decide, and then complain that she doesn’t stock your favourite. Explain that if she doesn’t come right, YOU are gonna bring YOUR rifle shopping next time … Laugh nervously … Exit. I reckon she’ll even give you a free pack next time!

  4. Maybe she’s had bad botox?
    Owning a deli is only a task for happy people eh, if you’re not going to be nice then it’s so not the job for you.
    My grandparents used to own a deli, but i think it was cause they were just friendly Italians. But the people who took it over are fucking wankers. Just for shits and giggles make your money gross and dirty 😛

  5. I thought to myself as I read your entry for today “I wonder if she took that picture of the gum herself, or did she google it?”. My guess would be the later, but you never know.

  6. What kind of weird deli sells gum anyway? If Delis are going to sell gum they should be forced to stock “Big Pink” – It’s the only gum with the breath-freshening power of ham

    Delis should only stock bits of animals, stuff made from bits of animals, and stuff made from things that come out of animals.
    (Ok, and maybe olives, prefferably pitted then stuffed with bits of animals).

  7. Yeah I hate that…

    The lady at the chinese market always serves you really quickle and never smiles… 😦

    Maybe I’m just another Guilo? It’s upsetting cuz I LOVE that place and all the wicked new foody things in it!

  8. Hahaha, If we had Delis locally I’d want a lady just like that one.
    “die motherfucker” look = One of the best!

    Lets be honest though, you do look like a gangsta thug Kitta.

  9. -Take a digital camera, and a pack of gum.

    -Personalise packet of said gum, ideally with stickers and assorted writing.

    -Walk into the deli, put the gum on the counter and take a photo.

    -Take photo of deli woman.

    -Pick up gum and roam around shop, occasionally taking pictures of the gum with other products.

    -Walk over to the gum stand and put your gum in there. Take a photo.

    -Take a different pack of gum out of the stand.

    -Leave the store.

    # PS: For extra clout, be sure to blow bubblegum bubbles at her whilst you peform this operation.

  10. Mark: I think she may be Samuel L. Jackson’s cousin.

    JV: You never played well with others as a child, did you?

    Nicole: Good idea about making the money dirty.

    Kris: It’s the later. If I took pictures of her gum she’d probably cut me.

    Schultzy: If I said that we’d both stand there confused.

    AJ: You just want to see if she’ll how badly she’d kick my ass, don’t you? I’m sorry, but I’m not getting into a fight with some ninja deli lady for your own amusement, even if it would make for a fantastic blog entry.

    Karma: Here they sell gum, other junk food, real food (milk and bread), toiletries, cleaning stuff, hot food (chips), sandwiches and pretty much anything you would have forgotten to purchase at the real shops. They’re like a mini supermarket.

    Loddy: You remind me of Jamie Oliver sometimes. 🙂

    Jade: Ok you got me there, I be a gansta fo’ life, word, and such.

    Baron: As I said above, she’d probably cut me if I took pictures of her precious, god like, gum.

  11. This made me laugh so hard… there are checkout ladies at my supermarket just like that, but “die motherfucker” is classic.

    Next year’s block buster: Deli Ladies on a Plane

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