Category Archives: General

If there is one thing I excel at in life, it is making brownies, no one I know makes brownies like I make brownies. So much so that they have been nicknamed ‘Kick Ass Brownies’, the nickname was given to them when a friend tried them for the first time and I asked them what they thought, their reply was simply “kick ass”. They are also known as ‘Marry Me Brownies’, due to the fact that when someone eats one the first words out of their mouth is normally “marry me Kitta”, to which I always reply “you just want me for my brownies”.

Today I learnt the shocking truth that one of my so-called brownie lovers has been cheating on me behind my apron tied back, he has been eating another womans brownies!

Noodlez: I am sorry to say, but I can’t marry you anymore.
Kitta: Aww.
Noodlez: Bec makes even better brownies.
Kitta: OMG that bitch!
Kitta: I am shocked!
Kitta: I…
Noodlez: Ha ha.
Kitta: You brownie cheater!
Kitta: You could have said “I think I need to eat other peoples brownies”, but no, instead you went behind my back and ate her brownies!
Noodlez: Hey! You kept saying no, so I went and found someone else.
Noodlez: Someone who would accept me for my brownie loving ways.

I had to end the conversation there, I was shocked and appalled, and his betrayal has left me feeling heartbroken and unloved. It’s as if he stabbed me in the heart with the chocolate covered knife I use to cut said brownies that he once claimed as his beloved. He brownie cheated on me, with her, the she-devil brownie making minx!

One day she will stop making him the brownies that he loves so dearly, and then he will come crawling back to me, begging and pleading for me to make him some brownies like I once did. But I won’t make them for him, I won’t let him eat a crumb or even lick the spoon, oh no, I have learnt a cruel lesson today that I will remember until the day I die. I will tell him to go find his brownies elsewhere, and he will end up in Thailand with a young girl that charges by the hour, uses unsanitary cooking implements and says “me bake for you long time”.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to go jump off a very high building, the rejection is just too much to bear, and I can no longer live in a world where my brownies are no longer kick ass. 😦

A man dressed in blue and a foxy designer made me do it!

Four jobs I’ve had in my life

• Model
• Web designer
• Monkey tamer
• Astronaut (those were the days)

Four movies I can watch over and over

• Fight Club
• What dreams may come
• Amelie
• Closer

Four places I have lived

• Western Australia
• San Francisco
• France
• England (Ok, the last three were places I want to live)

Four TV shows I love to watch

• Lost
• Sex and the City
• Family guy
• Mythbusters

Four places I have been on vacation

• Margaret River
• Rottenest Island
• Geraldton
• Lancelin

Four of my favourite dishes

• Honey chicken with noodles and broccolini
• Homemade minestrone soup with herb scones
• Roast turkey
• Kick ass brownies

Four websites I visit daily

• Flickr
• Penny Arcade
• John fucking Oxton
• Karen Cheng

Four places I would rather be right now

• On a beach in the Whitsundays, reading a good book
• Snowboarding in the Snowy Mountains
• In Adelaide with Ella
• Buying a PowerBook with the money I won in lotto (a mere dream)

Four bloggers I am tagging

• Matteh
• Candy (force her to blog)
• Becca
• Sergio

I apologize to the individuals I have infected, don’t blame me, blame the meme creator. I’m actually quite glad I was tagged, because I have been focusing on the re-design so much lately that my mind is far to fried to even contemplate a somewhat witty blog entry.

Oh yes Becca, soon it will be Christmas! 😉

I finally went for an eye exam after months and months of procrastination and blurriness. I ended up ordering new pair for long distance and having my old frames fitted with new lenses for reading. My health insurance didn’t go through at the store the first time, it said ‘health fund down’, I imagined my health fund to be wounded in battle and asking the doctor to tell his wife he loves her and little Timmy… Tell Timmy he will grow up to be a fine young man, a fine young man indeed.

I had told the optometrist that I used a computer quite a bit and I felt that it was putting strain on my eyes, thus the reading glasses to relax my eyes were prescribed. After the eye exam I was dumped with a talkative young woman whom I was told would sort out my eyewear needs, she read my eye exam card and asked me what I did on computers. I paused, contemplated saying “why looking at foot porn of course, what else does one do with high speed internet?”, and then replied with a sensible answer of “mainly web design”. I could have said blogging, but I tend to shy away from that reply, as I have found that it takes a copious amount of time to even explain what word ‘blog’ means without confusing the subject enquiring and wanting to kill myself for mentioning it in the first place. “Wow web design, that must be hard, how do you learn that?” she said with hint of amazement, “self taught” I responded, “Wow” she said with even more amazement. Then she said it, the thing computer illiterate people always ask anyone who show the slightest knowledge regarding computers, “Can you hack into computers and, like, read peoples email?” she enquired, and shortly after the words came out of her mouth they were accompanied by an evil ‘I have this ex…’ look in her eye. “No, sorry” I replied with a laugh, dashing any chance of her finding out what her ex was up to these days. “Oh” she said with a sigh, followed moments later by “Ok then, let’s talk glasses”.

And we did, I spent all up $600 on said glasses, luckily my health insurance finally went through and paid for half. Being able to see is fun, I highly recommend it.

Do you know Dan?

I got to know Dan quite well this week while waiting for an appointment, I sat in a waiting room for about 20 minutes listening to the guy behind me have a conversation with a younger girl about The Great Dan, who is a top bloke by the way, even if he does break shit a lot when he’s not smoking.

Guy: All my friends are top blokes.
Girl: Yeah.
Guy: Josh, now Josh is a top bloke.
Girl: He’s bit of a pot head.
Guy: But he’s still a top bloke.
Girl: Yeah.
Guy: Dan’s a top bloke too.
Girl: I don’t know, he seems a bit… on edge at times, like he’s going to kill me with an axe at any moment.
Guy: Yeah, he’s quit smoking again, every time he quits smoking he breaks everyone’s stereos.
Girl: Oh.
Guy: He just goes nuts without the fags.
Guy: He’s a top bloke though.
Girl: Yeah.
Guy: You know how his windshield is cracked?
Girl: Yeah.
Guy: He cracked that the last time he quit smoking while he was trying to kill a fly by punching it.
Girl: …
Guy: We told him to just keep smoking, it’s not worth quiting.
Girl: …
Guy: Top bloke that Dan though.

It was at that point in the conversation that I my name was called, which is a pity, I was really enjoying hearing about the adventures of nicotine addicted Dan. He’s a top bloke you know. They could make a drinking game out of that guy, every time he says ‘top bloke’ you drink a shot, you would be plastered in no time.

It’s that time of the year again, time to nominate your favourite weblogs in The Sixth Annual Weblog Awards, better known as The Bloggies. I gather since you are reading this that Kitta.net is one of you favourite weblogs or that your are just here waiting for the monkeys signal to take over the world, either way, if you have a moment to spare please consider nominating Kitta.net for a Bloggie.

The categories in which this blog is eligible for a nomination:

• Best Australian or New Zealand Weblog
• Best Tagline of a Weblog – Don’t feed or spank the monkey
• Most Humorous Weblog
• Best Writing of a Weblog
• Weblog of the Year

Nominations are open now until Tuesday the 10th of January, 2006. Hopefully I’ll win one this year so people can bitch about how much I don’t deserve one, yeah, that would be cool. 🙂

• One tenis ball.
• A few boxes of sparklers.
• A sharp knife.
• Tiffy’s bottle of water to crush sparklers into dust.

Setting off a sparkler bomb in the driveway on New Years Eve and having it nearly hit powerlines and set cars on fire.

Priceless.

I received some nice gifts this year for Christmas, jewellery, money and gift certificates, a book and lots of smelly stuff, but in amongst it all was the crappy present.

You all know what I’m talking about, every year there is one; hand towels from your aunt, chocolate from your cousin (when you’re lactose intolerant) and a card that reads “I owe you a Coke” from your brother. This year my crappy Christmas present came in the form of a key holder, but not just any old key holder, this one was special, it came with a stand. That way the keys lay on the table instead of hanging freely.

Due to its crappyness, the fact I only have a few keys and me not being the owner of 10 cats who likes flowery key holders, I have decided to eBay the item off to the highest bidder.

Let’s hope eBay doesn’t pull it, and if they do, there’s always the screenshot. 😉

Christmas is near and with Christmas comes toy sales or as they should be called evil sales, consisting of parents beating up each other for the last expensive toy that their child will break in under a minute and eventually enjoy the box more than the actual toy. Here are some of the toys that Santa and his world dominating elves (they are little and they sing, if Santa was not around to drug them into zombies they would be eating our brains gremlin style by now) would not allow in the Christmas toy evil sales…

Back yard drug lab
Includes:

• Police scanner
• Inflatable dodgy backyard shed
• Equipment that could blow up any minute
• Life like stoner dolls to do your biddings and test your drugs potency
• Unmarked police car cut-out to place across the street

Make drugs for all your friends; speed, crack, ice and all your favourite illegal street drugs. Hours of psychedelic fun! Ambulance and Hospital cover not included.

Price: Current street value of one hit of heroin.

Hooker dress up set
Includes:

• Stained dress
• Tacky gold condoms
• Panda eyes makeup kit
• Guide to working the corner and giving head
• Subscription to Workin’ Girl magazine

Pleasure the boys and see if you can get a tip or be kicked to the curb. Work the corner just like the big girls do. Will your milkshake bring all the boys to the yard? Fake drug money included, pimp sold separately.

Price: $69

Queer eye for the straight guy play kit
Includes:

• Complicated book of recipes to give out
• Shaving tips
• Samples of expensive hair products
• Samples of the latest couture that look like they came from a $2 bin, but really cost $1000 and a blowjob to get even get on the waiting list to buy them
• ‘How to be bitchy like Carson’ phrase book

Be Kyan, Carson, Ted, Jai or… that other guy. Run up to your friend’s house all excited from too much hairspray and tell them how much their life sucks, then show off their porn collection, rummage through their belongings, bitch about their lack of hygiene and poor fashion – just like the real Fab 5.

Price: On sale, was $2000, now $2.95!

Paris Hilton the board game
Includes:

• Blindly pink game board with annoying glitter that goes all over you
• Small Paris shaped game pieces dressed in different bright pink designer clothes
• That’s hot game cards
• An annoying toy Tinkerbell dog that barks when you take too long to roll the die
• A collection of Greek shipping heirs that you must become engaged to and break up with as soon as possible, and a variety of cars that you must get them to smash

You and your friends all get to be Paris and whoever is more overexposed wins. Make a porno film, have your own reality TV show, write a terrible book, release some perfume, put your name to various items, ™ a saying, use the phrase “that’s hot” to define every emotion. Who will you get Paris to sleep with? How will you make Paris pose? Can you name all the men she has fucked? And who will she become engaged to next and get bored of before she makes it down the isle? It’s all up to you in the Paris Hilton board game. IQ may drop for a short period while playing this board game, overuse may result in permanent damage.

Price: Like, one million dollars, sexy.

Professional blogger play set
Includes:

• ‘How to Blog’ a guide to blogging
• WP and MT
• I’m blogging this shirt
• Variety of web application sticker to cover the scratches on your laptop
• Flickr Pro Account

Be a professional blogger, just like Kottke, beat credited media to a story and gain an audience of loyal followers. Try to increase you CPM, Technorati/Google rank and win a Bloggie or maybe a Webby before you burn out. Choice of WordPress or Movable Type blogware, five templates included. Code your own design at your own risk. Not suitable for children with poor grammar and spelling. Trolls and spam sold separately.

Price: Your soul.

Nikita: Fucking piece of shit cables, why do you have to be so bloody cable like!
Danny: You know, you should have a TV show where you upgrade computers.
Nikita: And why is that?
Danny: Because it would be hilarious to see you swear at cables and components for half an hour time slot.
Nikita: Yeah, and in the season finale I would choke you with said cables and win a fucking Emmy Award.

Computer problems are still persisting even after installing a new mainboard, CPU and PSU. I have a few theories why…

1. The old PSU was faulty and fried both the old and new mainboard’s and CPU’s.
2. The memory has gone bad.
3. It insists on being a fuckwit and continues to torment me because it enjoys infuriating humans.

At the moment I am leaning towards the memory, due to the fact that after I removed one stick of RAM and booted up it gave me a bad memory beep and POSTed. Beeping and POSTing is good, blank is bad, blank gives me no where to go apart from a hardware store to purchase a nice big hard hammer. 🙂

And so the great computer problem of 2005 trudges onwards…

Today I was going to blog about the Christmas party I organised last weekend or maybe a witty entry about banned Christmas toys, but alas, my mainboard decided to cease working today. Without warning, it suddenly announced “screw this” by rebooting, and then I sat there for ten minutes watching my POST screen for movement, alternating between calling it sweetie and telling it I will rip out it’s CPU if it doesn’t boot on the count of three. A dozen reboots and many swear words later, I unplugged all of the hardware and rebooted again in hopes that it was a hardware error, but it was not to be, it still refused to go past POST or even allow me into the bios.

So here I sit on my mothers computer, trackball mouse in one hand, typing with a prehistoric keyboard and thinking about how I want to burn that assrat of a mainboard for failing a few months out of warranty. It must have come with a built in timer that counts down 12 months till failure from the minute it’s installed.

Thankfully my hard drives are still working, but I can’t use them on this computer because it has different hardware (Windows, why can’t you be more like Linux?) and a friend has offered me his old mainboard. So if all goes to plan we will be back to regular posts about monkeys and people doing stupid things in public in no time.

While I’m jamming sharp objects into my mainboard to teach it a lesson tinkering, feel free to talk amongst yourselves and if you have a moment to spare, please nominate me in The 2006 Australian Blog Awards.

Now, where did I put that sledge hammer…

Update #1…

All systems are go. The mainboard my friend gave me worked a charm and the new Athlon64 3200+ CPU I purchased today is a big improvement. 🙂 I wasn’t sure if the hard drives would play nice with the new hardware, or even boot at all, but they did and after some driver updates everything is running nicely.

I also received a Logitech G7 mouse as a early Christmas present today. 😀

Update #2…

My old 350w PSU isn’t giving enough juice and is making booting up a terribly frustrating process. I hope to have a new 480w on Monday.