Author Archives: Kitta

I’m listening to possibly the worst radio show ever. A local radio station 92.9 has let guy called Lukey take over the Thursday night late shift, he also has a sidekick which is a computer generated voice. Yes, a computer generated voice. If a family member has ever installed that annoying bonzi buddy program while you weren’t looking, you’ll know what I’m talking about. The kind of computer generated voice that in 2000 was so cool, for about 10 minutes, then it just became annoying.

The really sad thing is that I either listen to this or watch ‘The Bachelorette’.

Did you know…

That you can ask for complimentary water at McDonalds so long as you order something? My friend did it yesterday. At first, I thought she was just taking the piss, but they gave her the water in a cup, with ice, a straw and without question or an evil ‘one day I’ll hurt you badly’ glare. Not only that, they gave her it in one of those ‘flip and win’ cups that are apart of their promotion right now.

I must try and use this information for good and not evil.

I ate chinese food from that place. That place that sells the tasty fried rice, vegetable dish and sweet and sour pork. It made me made sick (no not MSG sick, food poisoning sick), and I was up till 6am in pain, being forced to watch people rave about exercise equipment and sharp knifes. I don’t understand myself sometimes, why do I keep ordering food from there when it makes me so sick? I’m like a drug addict that keeps going back to the dodgy dealer that sells some bad stuff. I know it’ll feel good at first, but later I’ll be buggered.

I’ve told my mother that if she sees me eating any of that places food again she it to take away my fork and attack me with it until I give up the evil, evil food.

So I’ve been in bed today, catching up on sleep and watching Oprah ramble on about brides with post-wedding depression. “Once the fairy tale wedding is over, reality hits.”You don’t say? I loved it when the lady said “there’s a wedding devil that takes over…you become like bride-zilla.” Classic.

My boys have released hip nite today, which is a hip new web design company (and which makes me feel oh so hip while blogging about it).

Taylor has once again got me addicted to something (he’s like my dealer, first it was RSS, then various websites, now this). He’s got me addicted to grouphug.us, which is a website where people anonymously confess some of their deepest thoughts and secrets. When you read through some of the confessions, it makes you think “I’m glad I’m not the only one.” As always, there are a few confessions that seem a bit odd and funny…

“I tried to do the Mary Poppins umbrella bit off of my roof once. Trust me, it is not worth being stranded in a tree all day.”

“I occasionally think i may be a toaster….My wife left me because of this….Fat BITCH”

“I don’t want a kid. Some people say they don’t want to bring a child into this world, as if there’s something wrong with the world…I don’t feel any of that, the world is okay. I’m just really lazy.”

“I’ve played over 1700 games of free cell while i was supposed to be working. I once played 30 in a row without losing. It’s a sick obsession.”

“I live behind a liposuction/plastic surgery clinic. I once stole the bags of fat from the bio-waste dumpster (I got the idea from fight club) and excreted the oil from the fat. I then dumped a thermos full of it into the fryer machine at the McDonalds where i work.”

“I taught a group of 6th graders while tripping on acid. On my way home I was pulled over, neither the other teachers or the cop knew, but the 6th graders kept telling me that I was acting funny.”

I will never be able to eat some macca’s fries without thinking liposuction. Go confess your secrets.

This is the song I’ve had in my head all day long (Song is to the tune of ‘land down under’ by men at work)…

I come from the land of chunder
Where rivers flow full of chunder
Can’t ya hear, can’t ya hear, chunderrrrrrr
Ya’ better run, ya’ better take coverrrrrr

I don’t know if I’ve heard it somewhere before or if I made it up, all I know is it popped into my head this morning while I was in the shower and it has been on my mind all day. My mind is a strange place full of html, songs about chunder and oprah show dreams.

Anyways, over the last few days I’ve been setting up a new forum. I decided to put one up because I was bored and felt like doing something else besides moving furniture all day. Yes, I’ve had a forum before and I ended up killing it with a cyber axe, but hopefully this one will live to be a middle aged or old forum… Imagine it, the forum will be looking for its cyber cane to hit spammers with, telling a lot of “in my day” stories while trying to find its cyber teeth.

Have you ever noticed how I go completely off topic and start rambling about odd things all the time?

To: Kitta
Subject: Need Dimensional Warp Generator

Hello,
I’m a time traveler stuck here in 2003. Since nobody here seems to be able to get me what I need (safely here to me), I will have to build a simple time travel circut to get where I need myself. I am going to need an easy to follow picture diagram for a simple time travel circut, which can be built out of (readily available) parts here in 2003. Please email me any schematics you have. I will pay good money for anything you send me I can use Or if you have the rechargeable AMD dimensional warp generator wrist watch unit available, and are 100% certain you have a (secure) means of delivering it to me please also reply. Thank You.

There is nothing I could possibly write to make the above more funny than it already is, so I shall leave it be.

It’s the small things that amuse me. Like today, I was at starkdavingmad.com reading an entry about this little trick…

• While sitting on a chair, lift your right foot off the floor and make clockwise circles.
• Now, while doing this, draw the number 6 in the air with your right hand.
• Your foot will now change direction.

Try it, it’s freaky, and I promise you that 30 minutes will go by while you yell and swear at your right foot to stop changing directions. I told you small things amuse me.

As I was looking through galleries of the photos taken on the Emmy’s 03 red carpet, I wondered if some stars dress horribly just so they’ll be talked about? Or maybe they really have no idea just how bad they look. “Oh you look fab-u-lous, that whole hippie look is so in this season!” says their friend, and fellow nominee, that is happy they look like shit.

Some of the clothes looked evil, really evil. Someone needs to remind them (or their stylists) “less is more darling”.

Meanwhile Ellen ‘I should have hosted because my bit was the only funny part and you all know it’ DeGeneres, did the whole suit look and did it well. And of course we can’t forget Simon Cowell, who took the opportunity to grab some ass.

Everyone says SJP was the best dressed, but I disagree, personally I think there’s something wrong with a dress that doesn’t move naturally with the body. I think Poppy Montgomery got it right, Courteney Cox looked sexy and classy, something most stars will never come close to, while Alicia Silverstone looked oh so cute. Paula Abdul’s dress was stunning, but the tiara and jewels over did it a bit.

Please, someone make the evilness stop!

I’ve been reading these fantastic mini-books. The site has condensed all your favorite classics down for easy consumption. Here are some of my favorites:

• The Catcher In the Rye – By J. D. Salinger
• The Fellowship of the Ring – By J. R. R. Tolkien
• Lord of the Flies – By William Golding

My porn name is ‘Bambi Nova’ according to mypornname.com. Look out for me in such films as “Hunting For Bambi” and “Bambi Gone Wild”.

Wednesday night on the popular aussie TV show ‘The Panel’ Kate Langbroek breast feed her newborn baby live on air, and last night ‘A Current Affair’ did a segment on it. People said they were appalled by her doing this, but I say good on you Kate. One of my friends has a baby and when she’s out in public people give her dirty looks for breast feeding, people have even approached her and said that breast feeding your baby in public is just plain wrong. What’s so wrong about doing one of the most natural things in the world?

Mothers should be able to breast feed where ever and when ever they wish, you can’t just simply say to a baby “Sorry, mommy can’t feed you right now because people see my boobs as sexual objects”. What Kate did is a step in the right direction to breaking down the issues people have with public breast feeding.

On the subject of babies, congratulations to Heather, it’s a girl. 🙂

I can’t believe people still don’t understand the purpose of personal/blog websites, it’s a creative outlet for the individual that owns it. Apparently blogs aren’t mainstream enough, Oprah hasn’t done a show on them yet. Even MS word doesn’t know what the word ‘blog’ is. It wants to replace it with ‘bog, bloc, blob, blot’ or ‘blow’. We’d be called ‘boggers’ if MS had its way.

I could just imagine Oprah doing a show on blogging. Ernie would be there, just because it’s my dream to see Ernie and Oprah in the same building for shits and giggles. It’s like putting electricity and water together, fun for all. I’m sure Taylor would somehow get in, he’d yell “But I’m the button/linkpool guy! I’m coooooooool ask kittamonga!”, and they’d let him in. There’d also be Jenny the boobless wonder, Heather the soon to be mother, and various other bloggers who agreed to be there for the free alcohol and food. Oh and I would be there, because it is my dream. 🙂 Some of it would go down like this:

Oprah comes out and soaks up all the love her audience is sending her. Audience member’s discus what Oprah is wearing today between themselves.

Oprah: Today I’m talking to people who own those mysterious things called blogs.
Audience: Ooooooooooo ahhhhhhhhhhh.
Oprah: What’s a blog you ask? Well I don’t really know, but my friend Gail has one, so it MUST be great!

Cuts to a clip showing various sites, and introduces viewers to the secret world of blogs.

Oprah: My guests today all own and run their own blog websites, where they write about their thoughts and daily lives. Ernie, you’re the gay asian voice of the internet…
Ernie: Umm…
Oprah: Are most of the people who visit your site gay? Are you friends with the queer eye guys? I just loveee them sooo much!
Ernie: Yes everyone who visits my site is gay and the queer eye guys are my best friends. I also eat puppies for breakfast.

Oprah notes Ernie’s sarcasm, and gives the floor manger the signal to make him go away, and then she moves onwards.

Oprah: I took a look at all of your sites last night while I was working out and listening to my iPod…
Taylor: Did someone say iPod?

Taylor looks under his chair and gives the camera man a look because he thinks his battery pack resembles an iPod.

Oprah: Heather you’re expected your first baby, and you’ve been blogging about the whole process. What is that like for you?
Heather: It’s great, once you get past all the emails from people telling you that calling your child a “*beep*ing bitch” is wrong. I thought you said there’d be food here? I need to feed the alien slowly growing inside of me NOW!
Taylor: Do you have any spare iPods left over for that free stuff show?
Nikita: Yeah, I’d love to get my hands on one of those babies.

Oprah gives the floor manger the same signal as before.

Oprah: We’ll be back after the break when we’ll talk to AOL about the blogging software that everyone – who has an AOL account – can use.
Nikita: Oh for *beep* sakes, AOL is…

Cuts to the commercial break.

Note: In no way do the personalities of anyone in The Oprah Show Dream resemble the real likeness of any of the people in it. Well except Taylor, he really would ask her for an iPod.