Monthly Archives: September 2006

I sat in the sun in a park today, throwing Camp a ball for her to fetch in an attempt to tire her out and give her some daily exercise, go fetch required the least amount of effort from my body that is currently stricken with a lingering cold.

I saw a little girl approaching to my left, she was dressed in plastic pink kitten heels and carried a black beaded evening bag, she asked me “is you’re dog friendly?” and before I could reply Camp was giving her a welcoming lick, I smiled and replied “yes, she loves meeting new people”. She patted Camp as she talked about her own dog, she then asked if she could play with Camp for a bit, I said for her to go nuts and laid on the grass soaking up the late afternoon sun. A few minutes passed and I said it was time for Camp and I to go home to start dinner. She turned and looked at me and asked “which school do your kids go to?”

I wanted to say “I’m only 22!” in disgust or “my kids are in college” as a joke, “I don’t have any kids” I told her with a laugh – she seemed amazed by my answer. She strutted over the road towards her home with her evening bag glistening in the sun, her mother asked her where she had been, “the nice old lady let me play with her doggy” she replied.

The old lady.

When did I become a lady?
When did I become old?
When did I start looking like I have given birth multiple times?
Do I look overly motherly?
Are wrinkles appearing already?
Is my hair a motherly shade of brown?
Does Camp look like a dog owned by someone who has borne children?

Twenty two does not maketh an old lady.

How was your day today?

Mine was fine. I replied to some email, did some washing, paid some bills, and oh yeah… nearly got hit by a car.

I was walking Camp in the warm afternoon sun – I was on the home stretch and Camp was tired and giving me that ‘you know, you could totally carry me home’ look – when I heard a loud bang and saw a car take the corner in front of me at a ridiculous speed, the car went over the curb and onto the sidewalk we were walking on. They didn’t correct and kept driving straight for us. There was a small patch of grass and a fence to the side of us so I quickly yanked Camp’s lead and jumped against the fence just as the car flew past where Camp and I were walking merely seconds earlier. As the car full of four young men speed past me, only a foot or so from where I stood, they looked at me and laughed. I don’t know about you, but I don’t find nearly killing someone funny, I guess that’s the difference between myself and a car full of bogans. After they passed me the two men in the back seat looked back at me, I had a ‘what the flying fuck’ look on my face and Camp was cowering against the fence (yeah, she’s ferocious, big bad Camp), then the bogan mobile’s driver spotted another corner in his sights, he again took that corner at full speed and hit the curb. Hilarity ensued for them and no one else present.

A guy heard the commotion and came out of his house just in time to see what happened. He asked me if I was ok; yes, I was fine, shaken and very pissed off given that there were kids walking home from school at the time and a child might not have moved as quickly as I did. He asked if I saw the license plate; no, I was more concerned with my safety than a license plate. He then started ranting, “fucking idiots, they’ve done this before, they’ll kill someone one day” and went back inside his house while ranting about a baseball bat and bricks in milk cartons.

I decided to walk on the other side of the road, not on the sidewalk, incase they drove by again trying to kill people instead of doing something constructive.

To the hoons of the world that think this kind of behaviour is cool…

You are a bunch of dickheads. You are not cool, classy sophisticated women do not like wankers with bogan mobile’s who try to run people over and then laugh, one day you will kill someone, and hopefully that person will be you and not an innocent person walking their dog or a child coming home from school. So stop trying to impress your equally dickheaded friends.

Every week I sit in the treatment room at the doctors office waiting the standard thirty minutes after my having my Hyposensitization treatment, to see if I have a reaction. It is possibly the most boring thirty minutes of my life. I normally read a book and sometimes when I’m bookless, bored and totally delirious from allergens coursing through my veins, I will be forced to read a trashy gossip magazine about how Britney was caught fucking a donkey while her husband watched or about how the real reason Paris was arrested was because she retorted, “that’s hot” after being asked for license and registration. I can feel my brain cells curling up in my frontal lobe and rocking themselves slowly when I read those kinds of magazine.

Ever since I purchased my iPod video Maiya things have changed, no more catatonic brain cells, I can now watch vodcasts to kill the time. I tend to always miss The Chaser’s War on Everything so I download missed episodes via iTunes, along with some Diggnation (yes, I am part of the small percentage of cute geeky chicks that watch Diggnation), Ask a Ninja, Naked Scientists and Dr Karl.

Recently, I decided to catch up on some missed episodes of Diggnation to kill the thirty minute wait, episode #57 to be precise, it was the one where Kevin was talking about the old porn lady who has the Sex Talk show and her tip about pearls, where you buy a girl a lovely set of pearls then use them in a manner the jewellery designer probably wasn’t intending for them to be used in and have her wear them as a reminder.

See ladies, Diggnation doesn’t just feature geeky news, they also talk about fashion. 😉

I was sitting in the uncomfortable chair that is missing padding on it’s right corner (a child chewed it off after being told the blood test fairy was to visit him I presume) with one headphone in my ear and the other sitting on my lap so I could hear the nurse ask me if I’m, like, dying yet. I was trying my hardest not to laugh when Kevin was talking about the dirty old porn lady – I was in public and laughing at seemingly nothing isn’t taken well by others – when I realized that the young blonde haired guy sitting near me waiting for his infected thumb to be attended to was laughing. I thought maybe something funny had happened that I missed, like the doctor made yet another glove innuendo to the nurse, but Blondie was looking at me and laughing. It was then that I pulled out the headphone in my ear and realized the sound was up high enough that you could make out Alex saying “you’re looking up old lady porn?!” Blondie asked what I was watching, “Diggnation” I replied, he grinned and said “is it porn?”

For a brief moment the torridly evil part of my brain (which is about 83% for those wondering) wanted to tell him that, yes, Diggnation is indeed porn*, and inform him that he too could watch it at lemonparty.org – then I thought about it some more and concluded that it was far too evil. Even for me.

I laughed and replied, “no, it’s a weekly vodcast about popular stories on digg.com” he looked disappointed and went back to studying the asthma chart on the wall. I decided to switch to Dr Karl and watch the rest of Pornnation at a later date.

* I actually do have porn on my iPod. When I first purchased Maiya I needed a video to convert in iSquint so I could test it on my iPod. Porn was all I had.

The below is a true story based on a badass conversation I had with Matt a few days ago. Names of fairies involved have been changed to protect their addiction and make them sound much cooler than they really are…

Kitta: My room is a mess. Maybe if I close my eyes the red fairy will come clean it for me.

I closed my eyes and then opened them after sufficient time had passed for the fairy to do her thing, only to find everything still in it’s natural messy state…

Kitta: Oh, fuck you red fairy!
Matt: That red fairy is a bitch, even when she does clean your room she steals your valuables!
Kitta: That talentless asshat. I will have to call the green fairy next time. She’s a hippie and leaves behind candles and freshly cut daisies.
Matt: Thats true, but it takes ages to get rid of the smell of pot.
Kitta: Is there any fairy without a drug problems?! Red – crack, blue – ice, green – pot, orange – heroin, pink – lsd, black – everything mixed together with some fertilizer added for taste.
Matt: That gold ones on ecstasy, thats why she moves so fast.
Kitta: The purple is the worst of them all. She tries to hide her addiction; she goes into the hospital, complains of being in pain, when she really just wants to score some drugs and free tongue depressors.
Matt: One time at school I used a compass to draw a smily face on a mylanta tablet and told someone it was ecstasy, the next day everyone thought I was a drug dealer.
Kitta: I’m dating a mylanta drug dealer.
Matt: Don’t forget the gun slinging bit.*
Kitta: I’m dating a bad ass mylanta drug dealing, plastic gun wielding mofo. Oh baby.
Matt: You want to know something really bad?
Kitta: Sure, couldn’t be worse than the dealing mylanta.
Matt: You know at Candy’s birthday party how i was so out of it?**
Kitta: Yeah.
Matt: Well… it was half because I was sick and half because I had three times the recommended daily dose of antihistamines and I was doped up.
Kitta: Matthew!
Matt: I felt crappy and I really wanted to feel better for Candy’s party… It didn’t work though.
Kitta: Lucky you didn’t drink that night.
Matt: Yeah, well I wasn’t going to anyways.
Kitta: Bad Matt.
Matt: I’m sowwy.
Kitta: I’m dating a badass antihistamine overdosing, mylanta drug dealing, plastic gun wielding mofo.
Matt: Yep, thats me.

* That’s a whole separate blog entry that Matt would probably tell best on his blog.

** He was so terribly out of it, we shouldn’t have let him drive around with a Tiger that wasn’t wearing a seat-belt in the back-seat.