Monthly Archives: November 2005

Today I witnessed a middle aged man stealing ornaments off one of the many Christmas tree displays that litter the shopping centres during this festive season. As security grabbed his arm and pulled him away from the shiny ornaments, his defence was that he was taking them home to clean them, “they’re not clean enough” he shouted in dismay.

I think he left out the part where he sells them on eBay so he can buy midget toe sucking porn.

Christmas, the time of year when we spend shitloads of money on gifts for others, wrap them up, and tell anyone under the age of 10 they are from an imaginary man named Santa, who even though is quite a big man still manages to get down a chimneys, even when there isn’t one.

On a warm summery night about a week ago, I stood in the air-conditioned comfort of a shopping centre looking at some strange imported chocolates that had ingredients which I am positive are not approved for human consumption, when suddenly I heard a loud “doh!” come from behind me, followed shortly by a scream. As I turned to investigate I saw a young girl running away from a life sized Homer Simpson dressed in a Santa suit. She had pressed a button on him, as people do, and didn’t expect him to yell “doh!” at her quite that loud. She scurried down the aisle and clung onto her boyfriends arm, “Homer yelled at me” she shrieked, he gave her a ‘have you taken your medication today dear’ look. To prove her point she dragged down the aisle and stood him in front of Homer, took a few steps back, and then told him to press the red button, “doh!” said homer loudly, she looked at her boyfriend horrified and he said with a smirk “yeah, that’s real scary, almost made me pee my pants”, she glared at him for a few seconds and then smacked him playfully on the shoulder. As she turned to walk away he added “sooo scary, hold me, don’t let Homer hurt me” while standing there with his arms wide open and a hurt puppy look on his face.

An hour, and many presents later, I was looking at some kids furries costumes when I overheard another couple pressing Mr Wonderful’s button. “No dear, you don’t look fat in that” Mr Wonderful would say honestly, after another press he responded by saying “sure, your mother can stay for another week” with a cheerful tone, and after final press of his button he said lovingly “why don’t you sit down and I’ll make dinner?” The women was amused, “why can’t you be like Mr Wonderful?” she ask curiously, he smiled and turned to her to say “trust me, you don’t want me to be like Mr Wonderful, because under his wonderful little clothes I can guarantee you he hasn’t got a wonderful penis like mine”. She giggled and winked at him. Clearly Mr wonderful is not every woman’s dream.

If anyone ever wanted to dispose of the earth and not deal with the blame for doing so, just put a button on something and connect said button to a big ass intergalactic wrecking ball, because it is in human nature to press the button. We cannot help but press the button, the button needs to be pressed, press it now… SOMEONE PRESS THE DAMN BUTTON!!!

I recently did an interview for the lovely Marko, in which I confessed some of my deepest and darkest secrets; such as having fanboy’s lick chocolate pudding off of my body daily, secret talks with the Little Red Monkey, my Coke addiction, why I hire children to avoid ridicule, my first encounter with a keyboard that belonged to a child who never wanted to share and my plans of the great Kitta.net re-design.

It is so risqué it needs to be in one of those plastic covers you find on porn magazines.

Said to a friend…

“They have no real idea of what is wrong with me. They think it may be Crohn’s at the moment. Could you imagine if it was something new and they named it after me… “I’m so sorry, you have Kitta Syndrome, it affects the brains ability to withhold swearing. Without treatment you’ll be swearing like a sailor who has won the lotto and to celebrate has a supermodel sucking off his dick while another one strips to ‘I wanna to sex you up’ by the Backstreet Boys.”

Damn baby, damn.

A few random things about me…

• I keep all my Victoria’s Secret catalogues for reasons unknown to even myself. My best guess is there will one day be a world changing event that requires Victoria’s Secret catalogues for survival. You never know when Summers Shoe Book 2004 could save your life.
• I have a Medic Alert bracelet to alert people that I am allergic to CT contract and a few antibiotics. The problem is I don’t wear it at all times, it doesn’t fit me and I never remember to get it re-sized, so I keep it in my pocket at all times. My theory is a nurse will check my pockets for metal objects before giving me a scan. Hopefully this theory will never fail me, otherwise I could be deadidly, dead, dead.
• I like the colour green, olive green, there is just something really sexy about olive green.
• I play Neopets. Not because I like the community or because I like playing with an annoying mutated cyber animal that eats too much, but because I want to get to 1,000,000 neopoints. When I reach that milestone I will donate the neopoints to the money tree and never return to Neopets again (unless another urge to gain 1 million neopoints comes to the surface).
• I mispronounce things all the bloody time because my mind is too busy to wait for my mouth to catch up, so there is frequent interference.
• When I’m cooking I put on a voice of an old southern man named Crazy Joe who likes to shot things and tells stories about shooting/burning things. My family thinks this is hilarious. My friends aren’t so sure and may have me committed one day.
• If I see you doing something and I think you are doing it wrong not to the fullest potential, I will take over what you are doing and do it right more efficiently without even asking if you would like me to, especially when it comes to cooking, if I didn’t do this I would go insane.