Christmas, the time of year when we spend shitloads of money on gifts for others, wrap them up, and tell anyone under the age of 10 they are from an imaginary man named Santa, who even though is quite a big man still manages to get down a chimneys, even when there isn’t one.
On a warm summery night about a week ago, I stood in the air-conditioned comfort of a shopping centre looking at some strange imported chocolates that had ingredients which I am positive are not approved for human consumption, when suddenly I heard a loud “doh!” come from behind me, followed shortly by a scream. As I turned to investigate I saw a young girl running away from a life sized Homer Simpson dressed in a Santa suit. She had pressed a button on him, as people do, and didn’t expect him to yell “doh!” at her quite that loud. She scurried down the aisle and clung onto her boyfriends arm, “Homer yelled at me” she shrieked, he gave her a ‘have you taken your medication today dear’ look. To prove her point she dragged down the aisle and stood him in front of Homer, took a few steps back, and then told him to press the red button, “doh!” said homer loudly, she looked at her boyfriend horrified and he said with a smirk “yeah, that’s real scary, almost made me pee my pants”, she glared at him for a few seconds and then smacked him playfully on the shoulder. As she turned to walk away he added “sooo scary, hold me, don’t let Homer hurt me” while standing there with his arms wide open and a hurt puppy look on his face.
An hour, and many presents later, I was looking at some kids furries costumes when I overheard another couple pressing Mr Wonderful’s button. “No dear, you don’t look fat in that” Mr Wonderful would say honestly, after another press he responded by saying “sure, your mother can stay for another week” with a cheerful tone, and after final press of his button he said lovingly “why don’t you sit down and I’ll make dinner?” The women was amused, “why can’t you be like Mr Wonderful?” she ask curiously, he smiled and turned to her to say “trust me, you don’t want me to be like Mr Wonderful, because under his wonderful little clothes I can guarantee you he hasn’t got a wonderful penis like mine”. She giggled and winked at him. Clearly Mr wonderful is not every woman’s dream.
If anyone ever wanted to dispose of the earth and not deal with the blame for doing so, just put a button on something and connect said button to a big ass intergalactic wrecking ball, because it is in human nature to press the button. We cannot help but press the button, the button needs to be pressed, press it now… SOMEONE PRESS THE DAMN BUTTON!!!