Monthly Archives: April 2005

On behalf of Firefox

The phone rings and I pick it up, because that is what one does with a phone…

Telemarketer: Hi I’m calling on behalf of [Insert phone company which calls so much it could be classified as stalking], would you be interested in changing over to [Insert stalkers name again]? If you change over now we’ll pay half of your existing bill.

Bugger.

Nikita: Half you say?
Telemarketer: Yes, half.

I was reeling her in, giving her a taste of a sale and then…

Nikita: No, I wouldn’t, but let me ask you a question. What is your current web browser?
Telemarketer: Excuse me?
Nikita: Web browser, the software you use to view websites, most people use Internet Explorer.
Telemarketer: Ahh yeah, I umm, think I use that one.
Nikita: Ok, well did you know that there is an alternative?
Telemarketer: No.

That no had a strong ‘you have got to be fucking kidding me’ tone attached to it.

Nikita: Firefox is one of the alternatives. It’s safer, faster and a hell of a lot cooler.
Telemarketer: Ooookkk.

Tone now more of a sarcastic ‘you’re insane and I’m so about to hang up’.

Nikita: If you’d like more information go to Getfirefox.com.

Silence hung in the air for a few seconds, and then I could hear her rustling around, possibly looking through the manual on what to do if the person you’re calling tries to talk you into something.

Telemarketer: Um, sur-k…

I beleive that is a new word, a mixture of sure and ok, that oddly enough sounds like a great name for a breakfast cereal. “Sur-K, it’ll put the Sure in your K.” Possible explanation for the new word: She was contemplating why she was a telemarketer when a tiny section of her brain that knew it was wrong exploded and the ‘e’ never made it from her brain to her vocal cords and out of her mouth. It was then that I decided it was time for me to go.

Nikita: Thanks for your time and remember, use the fox.

I had to go, I had other telemarketers to try and covert, such as the insulation dude who was due to ring any minute to enquire if I’m hot in summer and cool in winter and offer to reverse it for me. I also had to make cookies in the shape of the Firefox logo to hand out to the Mormons when they stop by way too early next Sunday morning.

“No I don’t believe in god, but tell me this, do you believe in the great almighty Firefox?”

Batteries Not Included

I was standing in Dicky Smiths today, contemplating what cables to purchase to increase productivity and decrease the amount of times that I knock my head on the desk above me and swear like a banshee whilst plugging in USB or headphone cables, when I overheard an elderly lady talking to a salesman about a USB thumb drive…

Old lady: Where do you put the batteries in?
Salesman: Nowhere, it doesn’t need batteries, you just plug it in.
Old lady: Ohhh.
The salesman nods and smiles.
Old lady: But what powers it, it must take batteries, really small ones it looks like.
Salesman: Nope.
Old lady: Are you sure?
Salesman: Yes.
Old lady: Hmm. I don’t know about this, it must take batteries; I’ll have to ask my husband.
Salesman: Ok, come back when you find out if a thumb drive takes batteries.
Old lady: Oh, I will.

I love old people. 🙂

House For Sale

A house for sale sign magically appeared on our lawn while we were out today.

For Sale

(Crappy picture courtesy of my new LG L1100 camera phone)

Now this wouldn’t be out of the ordinary if our house was on the market, but it isn’t. We rang the real estate agent and told him about the predicament, he apologised and said we must have had a bit of a shock upon returning home. Yeah, you could say that. He blamed his assistant (the beatings won’t cease until ‘for sale’ signs appear on the right lawns) and said he’d pick it up tomorrow. My mother took the sign down straight away, I told her to leave it there, so we could freak out the neighbours (who adore us and never ever want us to move) and friends, but we clearly don’t see eye to eye on evil jokes and she took it down.

Del Genius

del

I sat in a doctor’s office watching the doctor struggle to write a letter. He was trying to delete some text, but backspace was being temperamental. He kept trying while I sat there thinking “Del dude, del”. He then finally gave up and said…

Doctor: “You’re the computer genius, what do I do?”
Me: “Umm, del.”
Doctor: “What?”
Me: “Delete.”

He gave me a confused ‘What is this language you speak of?’ look, I replied with a sigh and lent over to hit ‘del’ for him. The text magically disappeared and all was good… Applause ensued, streamers flowed around me and I was presented with a bouquet of flowers and a tiara (the …’s represent where I started being sarcastic).

I’m a del genius.

Chewed

We have a problem… Camp is a chewer.

She didn’t let her problem come to the surface during the first few weeks, she was clearly trying to hide it, but then the urges became too strong and she JUST HAD TO CHEW SOMETHING!

The something’s started off harmlessly with her large variety of toys. She de-caped her dog beer, de-squeaked her daily rover, and gnawed away at her ball on a rope. But that wasn’t enough, oh no, the toys didn’t quench her insane thirst to chew something, and this morning she finally sunk to all new chewing lows…

She chewed a wooden door stop.

Chewed

We’re now contemplating counselling to help her deal with her chewing addiction.