Tag Archives: humour

I’ve never been a fan of resolutions made hastily while celebrating the start of a new year. Why not embark on resolutions throughout the year, instead of making unreachable resolutions to cease bad habits, then proceeding to give them up before the Easter bunny is due? I prefer predictions.

So ladies, gentlemen, drunk people who are waking up from NYE induced paralysis, ninjas, and pirates; here are my 2008 predictions for your perusal…

• Imitation beer flavoured Coca Cola; no alcohol, no sugar, no fat, no point.
• An American man tries to eBay his wife’s brain. He claims she no longer uses it.
• Cookie Monster comes out of the closet and admits he really loves brownies, not cookies.
• Amy Winehouse is arrested for kidnapping a four year old boy. She maintains the boy curled up and fell asleep in her beehive hairdo, and that she was too drunk to hear the screams of terror upon his waking in the darkened beehive of doom.
• Signs used during the writers strike announce that they will be striking until demands of better hours and conditions are met. One sign says he was left on the side of the road while a writer went for Starbucks. The unnamed sign now suffers from PTS (Post Tarmatic Stress).
• An American lady tries to eBay her husbands penis. She claims he doesn’t know how to use it properly, and she would rather it be owned by a more experienced user.
• Britney Spears starts her own blog. The tag line reads, “Dis iz ma buloowwg ya’lll” and confuses readers with her intoxicated ramblings.
• Google releases a ‘Britney to English’ translator.
• Oprah starts Twittering.
• President Bush is excited when he finds Bin Laden. The joy is short lived when his advisors point out that he has found Wally, not Bin Laden.
• Twittering is finally acceptable at the dinner table because Oprah is doing it.
• Apple releases the iSuck. A vacuum cleaner that analyses your household dirt to alert you of any pathogens lurking under your feet.
• 2-girls-1-cup; the musical.
• A young man in England discovers a hidden achievement for Guitar Hero 3 on Xbox Live after his girlfriend smashes his guitar during the 759th performance of ‘Through the Fire and Flames’. He said he was shocked to see “Achievement Unlocked: Owned :p” appear on the screen.
• Humans now cooler than Ninjas and Pirates combined.
• Paris Hilton and Kevin Federline hook up. Oh… Wait, too late.

My predictions for 2007…

• Lindsay Lohan fancies herself as a politician, moments later she finds a stray dog to play with and then contemplates being a dog washer.
• Water flavoured Coca Cola; no calories, no sugar, no fat.
• Michael Jackson and Paris Hilton hook up. He impregnates her and the whole world hopes there will never be a sex tape and that the baby isn’t male.
• Miss USA contest now scours MySpace for suitable skanky contenders. Entrants told to reveals as much as possible and cry like a baby when asked about revealing photos from their past, they will also be required to pose for playboy after having a press conference saying they regretted said revealing photos.
• McParis meal; stick of celery, 1/2 a cup of water, small peeled baby carrot and an annoying yappy little dog toy.
• A TV network funds a new reality TV show called ‘Nigerian Prince’ in which ladies must compete to win the heart and millions belonging to the prince, millions that he claims are hidden from secret agents and family members, only one lucky lady will be given the honour of handing over her bank account.
• Britney Spears starts an underwear line called ‘Upskirt’ so she will never be without a pair again.
• Oprah starts Vodcasting.
• People finally know what the word Vodcast means because Oprah is doing it.
• Rosie and Donald resolve their issues in a Wii boxing match. Rosie kicks some ass and Donald says that it just proves she is a man. Entertainment Tonight broadcasts the event and the IQ of everyone watching drops dangerously low.
• Apple releases the iTooth, their smallest version of the iPod that fits into a cavity in your tooth. Users can jam anywhere without the need of headphones. It also releases iMint mouthwash every hour to keep your mouth iMinty fresh.
• Two guys make millions from some .com they cooked up in their basement filled with rats, hundreds of completely frivolous beta’s pop up, their owners hoping that they too will be bought out by Google.
• Some guy knocks himself unconscious with his Wii remote and lies dead for days in his apartment. Wii now know as an extreme gaming console and only available to purchase with proof of identification. Wii’s now overtake sales of kidneys and baby on the black-market.
• Playstation developers contemplate making their controllers deadly to improve sales, spikes and replacement of rumble packs with electrocution packs considered.
• Rabbits now cooler than Ninjas and Pirates combined.

• Apple releases key chain iPods. They hold 20 songs and have a torch light feature.
• McDonalds markets McWater as ‘fat free’ and a ‘chemical free alternative to coke’.
• McDonalds also re-vamp Ronald, his clown suit is replaced with gym wear and he tells the kiddies “no pain no gain”. Kids retaliate and stab all the Ronald’s to death with plastic straws.
• Paris Hilton finally does playboy.
• Bubble wrap scarfs become a must have accessory after Paris Hilton wears one in her playboy shoot.
• Cookie flavoured Coca Cola.
• Spam will be considered a dirty word and anyone who ‘spams’ will be subjected to having to delete endless inbox’s full of spam.
• Firefox and I.E battle it out on prime time TV, Firefox wins and eats I.E, but then coughs it up because it tasted off.
• Oprah starts blogging.
• People finally know what the word blog means because Oprah is doing it.
• Google releases a search engine for your brain called ‘Broogle’, which gives you the ability to search through your memories and upload them to your blog.
• A statue of Kylie Minogue’s ass is unveiled to pay tribute to Australia’s best export, her ass.