Monthly Archives: April 2007

Dear Ant Colony,

Your efforts to gain entry into my home and eat my muffins have been futile. I am human. I have bug spray and can fuck you up. How would you like it if I entered your home without permission, ate your muffins, then crawled all over your kitchen and laundry? Didn’t your Queen ever teach you any manners?

As the sun was going down and light rain was falling, I set a trap to catch you unaware. I dropped a chocolate biscuit upon the ground and then acted all coy, as if I didn’t notice it fall from my hand. Alas, it was all part of my devious chocolatey plan. As night fell, you scampered to grab crumbs of the delicious biscuit to take back to your lair, to be enjoyed later by your Queen as she lays eggs and reads Ant Weekly. I awaited in the shadows – bug spray in one hand and a bottle of the flea spray in the other (I know you’re not fleas, but it was all I had) – as your little antennae could not believe their luck of finding a chocolate biscuit, ripe for the crumb picking, I suddenly leaped out and waged a ninja style attack on you, spraying you with copious amounts of bug spray and toxic flea spray (again, not calling you fleas… not that there is anything wrong with fleas). I then followed you back to your lair, watching you run screaming, “Save the queen! She thinks we’re fleas!” while twitching from the toxic spray lingering in the air. You were probably thinking, “Dude, my entire body is burning, BURNING! AHH!” as I poured death into your lair, and as a final retaliation you sent a few of your guard ants to attack me, whom were met with my fluffy Elmo slippers swiftly smooshing them into the ground.

Don’t mess with me again, ants. Next time I shall bring out the kettle, and I will cook you little buggers alive, then you will know what it feels like to be a crab in a seafood restaurant.

Hate always,
Kitta xoxo

As I was trawling through my vast amount of emails in Mt Gmail Inboxiton – including various emails from MySpace, Virb, Twitter and Facebook alerting me users have requested I add them as a contact – I thought about how amusing parties would be if ‘add as a friend’ applied to real life socialising…

“That weird guy in the corner just totally tried to add me; he says he’s into fried chicken, Little Britain, Postal Service, and that he is a drummer in a band.”

“He tried to add me before when I was at the bar. Cindy added him by accident last week when she was drunk and now she doesn’t know how to delete him without him stalking her, adding all her top eight friends, and asking why she deleted him when they totally share the same interests.”

“I listened to his song, called ‘Where R U Baby’, his band sucks harder than that porn star which is one of his top eight friends.”

This past week I have been suffering from a cold. I spent the majority of the week playing Oblivion and decided to stay home over the weekend instead of attending Go3 as planned. One night, I informed the boyfriend about the of lack of quality TV on at the weekend and he, as per usual, had one of his ideas – like the time he wanted to produce cheese water because everyone would totally want to drink cheese flavoured water – to elevate the situation…

“Lets make our own TV station! We could call it… ‘Channel P’ and only play stuff that starts with P; like porn, penguins, polar bears…”

“…”

“Polygamy. Pants.”

“But shoes, they don’t start with a…”

I take a break mid sentence to sneeze.

“…P.”

“Platform shoes do. Pandas, pelvis, peanuts… Lots of good TV!”

“Penises, perverts, poo, ping pong.”

“Trust you to make it dirty.”

“Ping pong is not dirty.”

“It is when you have perverts with penises and poo!”

“Now there’s a porno that hasn’t been made!”