War of The Ants

Dear Ant Colony,

Your efforts to gain entry into my home and eat my muffins have been futile. I am human. I have bug spray and can fuck you up. How would you like it if I entered your home without permission, ate your muffins, then crawled all over your kitchen and laundry? Didn’t your Queen ever teach you any manners?

As the sun was going down and light rain was falling, I set a trap to catch you unaware. I dropped a chocolate biscuit upon the ground and then acted all coy, as if I didn’t notice it fall from my hand. Alas, it was all part of my devious chocolatey plan. As night fell, you scampered to grab crumbs of the delicious biscuit to take back to your lair, to be enjoyed later by your Queen as she lays eggs and reads Ant Weekly. I awaited in the shadows – bug spray in one hand and a bottle of the flea spray in the other (I know you’re not fleas, but it was all I had) – as your little antennae could not believe their luck of finding a chocolate biscuit, ripe for the crumb picking, I suddenly leaped out and waged a ninja style attack on you, spraying you with copious amounts of bug spray and toxic flea spray (again, not calling you fleas… not that there is anything wrong with fleas). I then followed you back to your lair, watching you run screaming, “Save the queen! She thinks we’re fleas!” while twitching from the toxic spray lingering in the air. You were probably thinking, “Dude, my entire body is burning, BURNING! AHH!” as I poured death into your lair, and as a final retaliation you sent a few of your guard ants to attack me, whom were met with my fluffy Elmo slippers swiftly smooshing them into the ground.

Don’t mess with me again, ants. Next time I shall bring out the kettle, and I will cook you little buggers alive, then you will know what it feels like to be a crab in a seafood restaurant.

Hate always,
Kitta xoxo

15 Comments on “War of The Ants”

  1. Dear Kitta,

    You think you’re all smart with your human ways and your bug killing devices.

    Be forewarned – we know where you sleep and we are small enough to crawl into your eyelids whilst you slumber.

    There are 11,880 known species of us and only 1 of you.

    Thy kill but one of us and we shall seek revenge upon thyself in plague proportions.

    We are the master race.

    Markus – Drone #634,546
    Ant colony 2,674,234 (West Australian Chapter)


  2. Something white and powdery my mum used to draw a line in the sand, as it were. Actually, she drew lines everywhere with it, and apparently, and this is the good bit, ants do not like this powder, no not one bit. Umm borax or something rings a bell. She could also tell when any of us kids had been sneaking out cos of the disturbation of the powder. (And the white marks on our clothes.)

    Your mileage may vary Kitta.


  3. The scary part is that you are talking to the ants HAHAHAH Do you hear them talking back to you?? 🙂

    I have ants also try cinnamon… They hate it!! and will stay away. It’s cheap and it works and non toxic around food. they Do have one put out by a company name Vickers that is a spry and non toxic around food and pets.



  4. Perhaps an appeal to the royal court would help. I hear some queens can be reasonable. Maybe offer her some shoes, three pair of course, because really, what could she do with only two shoes?


  5. This had me rofl-ing!

    Unfortunately we had little black ants trying it on a few years back. I hate the little buggers. I tried figuring out where they were coming in and covering up the entry with talcum powder (all I had then). Seemed to work eventually.

    Then a year or so later we discovered termites in the side fence – coincidence or revenge? I don’t know. All I can say is the pest control people charge like wounded bulls.

    Go hard I say – go rambo first blood on their little feelers!


  6. i am sorry that my ant-people have caused you such irritation and concern, i will command them to cease all muffin-seeking activities in your area.
    i now pray that both ant and human can live in peace! 🙂


  7. Ew, your threat to the ants reminded me of an incident in one of my uni houses. I was making cups of tea and i noticed a little black spec in the cup, i fished it out and carried on stiring, more black specs appeared; you can see where this is going cant you? I fished another out and examined it only to find they were very dead ants. My first thought was that they must have gotten into the teabag tin, but then I opened the kettle. There must have been hundreds of the buggers floating in the water or clinging to the sides. To this day I don’t know what possessed them to all crawl into the kettle, but I couldn’t bring myself to drink tea for three or four months after that.


  8. Lola, maybe the ants belonged to some sort of ant cult, and they were all told to plunge into the kettle of doom so they could meet their creator. Or maybe they just have very tiny brains that cannot grasp the concept of drowning.


  9. Lola,
    The ants may have come in through the plumbing.
    I’m out in the middle of no-where and my only source of water is a well. A few years ago I noticed “things” floating in a glass of water I’d just filled at the kitchen sink. Upon close inspection I realized they were little ant bodies. I went outside to inspect the well and found a thriving ant colony under the well cover. Apparently the ants found it very convenient to simply toss the dead bodies down the well. I’ve since installed a filter in the fresh water line.


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