Why David Sedaris Doesn't Use Twitter

I was lusting after the buttery popcorn infiltrating my nostrils as I waited in line to have my book signed by David Sedaris. My eyes drifted towards the sign that read ‘BAR UPSTAIRS’ and ‘NO CAMERAS OR PHOTOS’ in threatening capitals. Devar asked me what I was going to say as he ignored the threatening sign and took a photo of the line. I didn’t know. Although he is one of my favourite authors, I assumed he would ask the typical questions authors ask their adoring fans – “know any good jokes?” or “what do you do?” – and I wanted to get it over and done with to reduce the risk of saying something foolish. Like the lady in front of me who was contemplating boasting about how she named her imaginary boyfriend after him. David started signing my book, he asked me how much money I earn and in return I asked what he thought of Australia. “It is expensive” he said, “and hot” I added, just in case he was needing another adjective to explain Australia. It had been quite humid that day and Perthians love to complain about the weather. My interaction with him was short and sweet, he wrote “I’m so happy you can walk” in one of my books and drew a dog in another book.
David Sedaris
The show consisted of David reading essays from The New Yorker, a piece he wrote for British paper entitled ‘If I Could Change The World’, diary entries and questions from the audience. The most amusing part of the show was a story about his female friend, who preferred to remain nameless, she also preferred to catch her poop in her hand when using the toilet instead of letting it make a horrid plop sound in the toilet bowl. That would be so embarrassing.

During the show Mark Trammell replied to my tweet, “Get him on Twitter!” he exclaimed. After two glasses of wine I decided to line up again after the show to ask David why he doesn’t join in on the Twitter fun and tweet about eating sandwiches, crazy dreams he had last night, how losing socks really sucks and other random observations or thoughts in 140 characters or less. I didn’t ask it in that way. It escaped my mouth in a more “me again, so that Twitter thing, a guy I follow who works there wants to know why you don’t do it?” manner of speaking. He hungrily consumed a plate of chorizo and salad had been placed in front of him while I asked my twittastic question. He made the ‘let me just finish chewing this’ universal motion and then tried to explain the Twitter predicament. Apparently someone had already created a David Sedaris account on Twitter, he then paid someone to switch the account over to him, but didn’t really know what it was or what to do with it once it was his. So there it sits, with over 4000+ followers and no actual tweets. I tried to convince him he should tweet (join the cool kids, drink the koolaid, follow the leader) but he didn’t seem convinced. I wanted to say “no one understands Twitter, David” but I didn’t want to scare him with inception like comments. I instead urged him to tweet and wrote down my username and the address of my account in case he wanted to see what it was all about and required guidance. In that moment I thought of myself as a sort of Mother Teresa of tweeting – I could guide him into over one million followers and we would DM about what type of background colour he should use. It would be awesome.

As he put another forkful of sausage into his mouth I came back to reality and thanked him for the performance as he waved on the next question. Later I pondered if he would screw up the piece of paper from the Aussie girl who totally thought he should tweet or figure out what Twitter was at least. It then occurred to me that kind of subjects I tweet about.

So if you’re ever at a David Sedaris show or book signing and he mentions this strange Australian girl who tweets too much about Skyrim or boobs and tried to force convince him that Twitter was the shit and he laughed about it later in his hotel room wasn’t convinced. Please don’t judge me. At least I’m not the girl who pooped into her hand and gently lowered it into the toilet bowl because she didn’t want it to make that socially unacceptable plop sound in the toilet bowl.

If I was her I would at least tweet about it.

TopGeek 2.0

Australia’s second largest DSL broadband provider, iiNet, has announced the return of the TopGeek competition. I entered the iiNet TopGeek competition last year and after several rigorous geeky challenges, where I invented an iPhone app and turned my friends into zombies, I leveled up and made it into the top ten before I took an arrow in the knee, resulting in game over. In the end there could only be one Top Geek, that honour went to Cassandra James, a talented comic book artist from Tasmania.
Top Geek

TopGeek 2.0 follows last year’s highly successful inaugural contest, and will once again see geeks of all types show off their geeky prowess in an attempt to take out the title of Australia’s next TopGeek. The winner will also score an all-expenses paid trip to attend one of four geeky events – including ComicCon, Consumer Electronic Show, South by Southwest or Penny Arcade Expo. Last year’s winner will head to San Diego in July for ComicCon 2012. She’ll report back to TopGeek HQ with all the comic news and make you wish you were there, and you could be, if you enter TopGeek!

I won’t be entering the TopGeek 2.0 competition this year, instead, I shall be judging it along with last years finalists, Andy Wells, Jason Cartwright, Jess Watson and Cassandra James.

This year the competition encourages everyone to discover their inner geek and embrace it, as geeks come in all varieties. The iiNet crew behind TopGeek has introduced multiple categories – including art, tech, fandom, gamer and internet – bigger and better challenges, TopGeek TV and runner-up prizes. I’m looking forward to TopGeek TV, a fortnightly series hosted by award-winning comedian and self-proclaimed geek, Lawrence Leung. The series will take a closer look at the nerdy stories behind the competition and the geeky finalists.

As a Fandom category judge, I’m looking forward to seeing the creative and geeky entries. I’ll be picking contestants to go through to the next round, show off their unique geeky talents, and compete in knockout challenges before battling it out during an epic final event on May 10th, 2012. The last geek standing will be crowned Australia’s ultimate TopGeek and winner. I’m looking for something that sets the contestants apart from the cookie-cutter-hipster-geek-is-cool-now type of geek – contributing to an open source project, running a meet-up or group, designing or developing a website from scratch, building your own robot butler, learning for fun not profit, amassing thousands of online followers, designing you own costumes, changing the world and thinking outside of the box. Pro tip: You don’t just watch/play/read/collect [insert whatever geeky interest here] you live and breathe it, you’re THE BIGGEST FAN and have amassed your own army of fans for your aforementioned fandom. Your profile should describe your geeky attributes and make me want to see more of you. Last years top twenty set the bar pretty high.

The search to find the Australia’s most talented geek is currently taking submissions. If you’re a geek (or you know a worthy geeky) head the the iiNet TopGeek 2.0 website. Good luck, geeks!

Open For Business

Earlier this year I moved to the city to be closer to friends, study and work opportunities. My address now contains the words and numbers ‘Perth 6000’, when I was young I assumed anyone who lived in the 6000 postcode wore top hats and swam in pools full of money like on Duck Tales. Silly young me didn’t realise that anyone can live in the city, if they pay a decent amount to rent for a small apartment in a complex with a shared pool that is full of water instead of money. Top hats are optional.

Living in the city has its pros and cons…

Pro: Ten minute walk to Murray Street.
Con: Ten minute walk home at 1am will might result in a brisk mugging or assault.

Pro: Closer to friends.
Con: Further away from family.

Pro: The man with a cockatoo in a basket on his bike is cool.
Con: The crazy flag lady is not cool. Run away.

Pro: The apartment is nice and has faster internet.

In the end the pros and cons level out. Except for the bath. I’m so traumatised about my lack of ability to relax in a bath that I ask everyone I meet if they have a bath that I could use. So far, only one person has said yes.

Although my mother worked in the city when she was in her early twenties, it didn’t help her come to terms with the CBD I now live in, full of crazy people, one way roads and stairs. Oh, don’t get her started on the stairs. There are nearly 40 of them leading up to my front door and she hates every single one of them.

As I was riding shotgun in my mothers shiny new car we passed two of the local whore houses. I gather one is like the Hungry Jacks (Burger King if you’re American) of hookers, while the other is like McDonald’s – both serve the same items and one always claims their burgers taste better.

“What is that place with the flashing lights?” asked my Mum.

“It’s a whore house” I replied, as if whore houses are on every street in every neighbourhood and everyone is cool with it.

“A what house?” she exclaimed, as if whore houses are not on every street in every neighbourhood and everyone is not cool with it.



“A brothel… a place where men visit prostitutes.”

I wanted to elaborate more about the penis goes into the vagina and money is exchanged perplexities, but decided not to, I was riding in her shiny new car and she would never forgive me for tarnishing its innocence. I had already told it the petrol fairy wasn’t real when she wasn’t listening. My mother was quiet for a moment and then, in a nonchalant tone said…

“Oh, I thought it was a cafe.”

What Women Want

I was perusing my postal vote ballet paper for the 2007 Australian federal election today, and one party caught my eye, as I’m sure it will do so with other postal voters and the rest of Australia on election day…

Postal Vote

There is a party called ‘What Women Want’ in this years election.

First thing that came to mind was Mel Gibson waxing his legs while drunk in the aptly named movie. Then I started to ponder their policies…

  • Free tampons.
  • Laws against partners coming home later than 1am after drinks with the boys.
  • Chocolate and red wine added to the PBS.
  • Tax free shoes.
  • Low interest home loans for any guy that builds a girl a house like in The Notebook.
  • Paid toil days for that time of the month.
  • Emergency manicure and pedicure treatments on Medicare.
  • Support line for women who think they are fat/ugly/alone/lacking chocolate/etc, that is operated by caring gay men that have obtained Cert III in Gay Caring For Premenstrual Women from TAFE.

And yes, I am aware that by making these jokes about women – and their wants – I’m setting us back ten years, but they started it by naming their party ‘What Women Want.’

Postal Vote

As always, first party to buy me an LCD HDTV will win my vote.