Earlier this year I moved to the city to be closer to friends, study and work opportunities. My address now contains the words and numbers ‘Perth 6000’, when I was young I assumed anyone who lived in the 6000 postcode wore top hats and swam in pools full of money like on Duck Tales. Silly young me didn’t realise that anyone can live in the city, if they pay a decent amount to rent for a small apartment in a complex with a shared pool that is full of water instead of money. Top hats are optional.
Living in the city has its pros and cons…
Pro: Ten minute walk to Murray Street.
Con: Ten minute walk home at 1am will might result in a brisk mugging or assault.
Pro: Closer to friends.
Con: Further away from family.
Pro: The man with a cockatoo in a basket on his bike is cool.
Con: The crazy flag lady is not cool. Run away.
Pro: The apartment is nice and has faster internet.
Con: IT DOESN’T HAVE A BATH TUB, WHY DID I AGREE TO A BATHLESS APARTMENT? NEVER EVER AGAIN. EXCLAMATION POINT. ANOTHER EXCLAMATION POINT.
In the end the pros and cons level out. Except for the bath. I’m so traumatised about my lack of ability to relax in a bath that I ask everyone I meet if they have a bath that I could use. So far, only one person has said yes.
Although my mother worked in the city when she was in her early twenties, it didn’t help her come to terms with the CBD I now live in, full of crazy people, one way roads and stairs. Oh, don’t get her started on the stairs. There are nearly 40 of them leading up to my front door and she hates every single one of them.
As I was riding shotgun in my mothers shiny new car we passed two of the local whore houses. I gather one is like the Hungry Jacks (Burger King if you’re American) of hookers, while the other is like McDonald’s – both serve the same items and one always claims their burgers taste better.
“What is that place with the flashing lights?” asked my Mum.
“It’s a whore house” I replied, as if whore houses are on every street in every neighbourhood and everyone is cool with it.
“A what house?” she exclaimed, as if whore houses are not on every street in every neighbourhood and everyone is not cool with it.
“A brothel… a place where men visit prostitutes.”
I wanted to elaborate more about the penis goes into the vagina and money is exchanged perplexities, but decided not to, I was riding in her shiny new car and she would never forgive me for tarnishing its innocence. I had already told it the petrol fairy wasn’t real when she wasn’t listening. My mother was quiet for a moment and then, in a nonchalant tone said…
“Oh, I thought it was a cafe.”
I’ve finally recharged my batteries after participating in the Extra Life 24 hour gaming marathon for kids charity this weekend. Extra Life is a charity started by the Sarcastic Gamer podcast network in 2008 to raise money and awareness for cancer research for the Children’s Miracle Network. Money raised is donated to any of the hospitals that are part of the Children’s Miracle Network in the US, Canada, UK and Australia. I was part if team Big Geekend and our local Children’s Miracle Network Hospital is Westmead Children’s Hospital in Sydney.
Last year was crazy. We dared Antz to wear a dress, cracked an egg on Lab Mouse’s face and cut off his pony tail for donations, we were filmed by crew making a documentary on gaming while sleep deprived, live streamed, played with night vision goggles at 4am, battled Satan’s junk, gamed for 24 hours and raised over $700. Only four of us survived the night – Cuzza, Noodlez, Lab Mouse and myself – and won the game of staying awake. My key to survival was pixie sticks and Coke.
This year, team Big Geekend decided to raise the bar, we set our team goal at $1000 and I set my personal goal at $100. I’m happy to announce that we not only survived the 24 hour gaming marathon, but we beat our team goal of $1000 and I smashed my personal goal, raising over $430 for my team. Over $1,100,000 has been raised this year by Extra Life gaming teams worldwide!
Achievement unlocked: ONE MILLION DOLLARS.
I started off the gaming marathon playing Red Dead Redemption and Assassins Creed, then switched to GTA IV in an attempt to stay awake. It’s been so long since I’ve played GTA IV on Xbox, I kept shooting instead of running and accidentally shot a cop on the corner not once, but twice. I also played a lot of Glitch, Wipeout, Nyan Cat: Lost In Space and attempted to build rockets in the Kerbal Space Program while sleep deprived. That Jebediah guy is crazy. He seems to always be pretty happy about the fact that I forgot to add a parachute, smiling while he’s hurtling towards the earth, meanwhile Bill and Bob sit next to him wearing space nappies because they’re currently crapping their pants.
There were some silly moments, like when I thought I lost my glasses and they were on my face the whole time, ambulance joy rides on the beach or when I kept bending over to change Xbox games, forgetting that the live stream web camera was in front of me and flashing the internet my boobs. The lowlight for me was at 2am during a snacks and drinks run, I hoped out of a friends car and proceeded to walk into a tree branch, scrapping my head and creating a nice red bump. Walking into trees when you’re trying to stay awake for 24 hours is not recommended.
There are no 1UP’s in real life.
I want to thank all of you who stalked us on the live streams, shared and re-tweeted the donation links and a big warm cyber hug to those who donated. I’m proud to have been a part of this years event, thank you all so very much. Donations are still open, so if you have a few dollars to spare, please donate.
Can’t wait for next year, how does a goal of $3000 sound? Game on!
Have you ever wondered what I would look like with massive boobs? I’m not talking about a cup or two, I mean, MASSIVE BOOBS! Wonder no more, internet, because someone has stolen my photos, photoshopped huge boobs into the photos, and then posted them on various websites to reap the comment rewards.
The photos appeared on Model Mayhem, MySpace and BodySpace profiles a few months ago. One commenter even remarked, “Your breasts are amazing! Real breasts look better than fake ones!” and another left a compliment “you have a great upper body!!” followed by a smiley face. After lodging complaints the photos were removed from the profiles, I felt kind of cyber dirty and flattered at the same time over the photoshopped boobies incident. A few months passed. I assumed the faker had learnt their lesson about stealing photos and photoshopping fake boobs into them.
As we drove down to Mandurah to visit relatives for a belated Easter lunch we spotted a purple Ford Falcon with an interesting custom license plate.
R U SERIOUS?
I assume his passenger seat was filled with mobile phone credit vouchers and Justin Bieber posters to attract teenagers to his awesome ride. I’ve seen some interesting license plates in the past, some funny while others a mix of stupidity and the letter ‘U’, but I’ve never seen a plate that clearly is not cool. Imagine being a father of a teenage daughter and ‘R U 6TEEN’ turns up on your door step?
“Hey old man, I’m here to pick up your sixteen year old daughter in my awesome car of awesomeness.”
“OMGZ! Isn’t his car, like, sooooo coooool, Dad?”
What’s the most offensive, funniest, stupidest or tackiest license plate you’ve seen?