Secret Present Agent

I am not the girl you give a present to and ask kindly not to open it until a certain day.

I am the girl that on a warm sunny day a week before Christmas 1998 sat under the tree contemplating what was inside each of my carefully wrapped presents. I measured them, shook them ever so gently, and then thought about the likelihood of each present matching up to something from my wish list. After all the results were tallied and the bar graphs were finalised I decided to open the presents – for statistical purposes of course – I carefully peeled the sticky tape off the delicate wrapping paper and then took a peak inside each present and wrote down the results. I then wrapped them back up with sticky tape of the same proportions and placed them back under the tree in correspondence to the present map I drew earlier to avoid being caught and sent to present openers jail. I would make a fantastic secret present agent.

So when my boyfriend gave me my Valentines Day gift yesterday with strict instructions not to open it or shake it, I was worried that the secret present agent in me would come out again. So far it hasn’t, but we still have a few days to go and I could crack at any time. He should have given me contract to sign, stating terms and conditions of the present opening and punishment if those terms and conditions were broken.

Here I sit, contemplating what it could be, driving myself nearly insane and wishing I had laser eye so I could burn the wrapping paper and then be all “It was on fire, I had to un-wrap it to save the present, I am a hero.” I dare not shake it. He’s the kid of guy to implement hidden sensors attached to the wrapping paper and a SWAT team ready to deploy if I shake it too violently. So I poke it. He didn’t mention anything about not poking it.

I even rang my sort of psychic aunt to ask her thoughts on the present. She just said “Oooerrr love is in the air” and gave me no clue as to what I could be. Then I asked my mother her thoughts, who said just to open it, she wouldn’t tell a soul, hell, she will even open it for me! Clearly she was once a secret present agent too. I can just see her with the Farrah Fawcett hair do and hip sticky tape dispenser at the ready.

My bar graphs tell me that there is a 73% chance it’s jewellery, and my psychic advisor will get back to me if she has a dream about it.