Banned Christmas Toys

Christmas is near and with Christmas comes toy sales or as they should be called evil sales, consisting of parents beating up each other for the last expensive toy that their child will break in under a minute and eventually enjoy the box more than the actual toy. Here are some of the toys that Santa and his world dominating elves (they are little and they sing, if Santa was not around to drug them into zombies they would be eating our brains gremlin style by now) would not allow in the Christmas toy evil sales…

Back yard drug lab
Includes:

• Police scanner
• Inflatable dodgy backyard shed
• Equipment that could blow up any minute
• Life like stoner dolls to do your biddings and test your drugs potency
• Unmarked police car cut-out to place across the street

Make drugs for all your friends; speed, crack, ice and all your favourite illegal street drugs. Hours of psychedelic fun! Ambulance and Hospital cover not included.

Price: Current street value of one hit of heroin.

Hooker dress up set
Includes:

• Stained dress
• Tacky gold condoms
• Panda eyes makeup kit
• Guide to working the corner and giving head
• Subscription to Workin’ Girl magazine

Pleasure the boys and see if you can get a tip or be kicked to the curb. Work the corner just like the big girls do. Will your milkshake bring all the boys to the yard? Fake drug money included, pimp sold separately.

Price: $69

Queer eye for the straight guy play kit
Includes:

• Complicated book of recipes to give out
• Shaving tips
• Samples of expensive hair products
• Samples of the latest couture that look like they came from a $2 bin, but really cost $1000 and a blowjob to get even get on the waiting list to buy them
• ‘How to be bitchy like Carson’ phrase book

Be Kyan, Carson, Ted, Jai or… that other guy. Run up to your friend’s house all excited from too much hairspray and tell them how much their life sucks, then show off their porn collection, rummage through their belongings, bitch about their lack of hygiene and poor fashion – just like the real Fab 5.

Price: On sale, was $2000, now $2.95!

Paris Hilton the board game
Includes:

• Blindly pink game board with annoying glitter that goes all over you
• Small Paris shaped game pieces dressed in different bright pink designer clothes
• That’s hot game cards
• An annoying toy Tinkerbell dog that barks when you take too long to roll the die
• A collection of Greek shipping heirs that you must become engaged to and break up with as soon as possible, and a variety of cars that you must get them to smash

You and your friends all get to be Paris and whoever is more overexposed wins. Make a porno film, have your own reality TV show, write a terrible book, release some perfume, put your name to various items, ™ a saying, use the phrase “that’s hot” to define every emotion. Who will you get Paris to sleep with? How will you make Paris pose? Can you name all the men she has fucked? And who will she become engaged to next and get bored of before she makes it down the isle? It’s all up to you in the Paris Hilton board game. IQ may drop for a short period while playing this board game, overuse may result in permanent damage.

Price: Like, one million dollars, sexy.

Professional blogger play set
Includes:

• ‘How to Blog’ a guide to blogging
• WP and MT
• I’m blogging this shirt
• Variety of web application sticker to cover the scratches on your laptop
• Flickr Pro Account

Be a professional blogger, just like Kottke, beat credited media to a story and gain an audience of loyal followers. Try to increase you CPM, Technorati/Google rank and win a Bloggie or maybe a Webby before you burn out. Choice of WordPress or Movable Type blogware, five templates included. Code your own design at your own risk. Not suitable for children with poor grammar and spelling. Trolls and spam sold separately.

Price: Your soul.