Charlie and the Cold Medicine
Here’s a tip…
Never ever – even if it sounds like a good fucking idea at the time – go to see Charlie and the Chocolate Factory while doped up on cold medicine. I sat there tonight thinking “why are they called Oompa Loompa’s, they are not terribly Oompaish”, the Oompa Loompa’s dance sequences really made me wonder if I had accidentally overdosed on said cold medicine and I am concerned that my dreams will be full of evil dancing Oompa Loompa’s tonight.
Candy joined me (with her own cold in tow) and wore her beloved fluffy boots. As we were waiting to buy highly priced stale popcorn a middle aged man leant in and said to her “I like your boots, I thought they were going to bite me for a minute”, she replied “they will in a minute” and shot him her Evil Candy Stare™.
We are the kind of
people annoying fuckwits that make sarcastic comments throughout the movie to amuse ourselves. As the credits rolled at the start and Helena Bonham Carter’s name flashed across the screen I informed Candy “whenever I see Helena Bonham Carter all I can think of is Fight Club, and how she was meant to say “I want to have your abortion”. While the Oompa’s were shaking their Loompa asses we could be overheard whispering “how is this trippy shit PG?” and “I so want some chocolate right now” to one another. Half way through the chocolaty fun Candy leaned over and said “you would not believe how much popcorn I have down the front of my top right now” to which I replied “Candy, you’re meant to eat the popcorn, not put it down you’re top”.
My thoughts on the movie: It is dark, way too dark for PG. Johnny Depp plays a fantastic Wonka, I liked that the character had more depth and history. The whole ‘happy family’ ending was nice, a bit too Disney for my liking though.
The true highlights of the night were after the movie when I convinced Phobia that Candy and I were at a strip club watching lesbian mud wrestling instead of at the movies (truth be told, Wednesday night is really mud wrestling night at Connections, not Friday) and finding out Candy used her school captain powers to rig an Easter raffle that I thought I had won fair and square in primary school. My one claim to winning something is a forgery.