The phone rings and I pick it up, because that is what one does with a phone…
Telemarketer: Hi I’m calling on behalf of [Insert phone company which calls so much it could be classified as stalking], would you be interested in changing over to [Insert stalkers name again]? If you change over now we’ll pay half of your existing bill.
Bugger.
Nikita: Half you say?
Telemarketer: Yes, half.
I was reeling her in, giving her a taste of a sale and then…
Nikita: No, I wouldn’t, but let me ask you a question. What is your current web browser?
Telemarketer: Excuse me?
Nikita: Web browser, the software you use to view websites, most people use Internet Explorer.
Telemarketer: Ahh yeah, I umm, think I use that one.
Nikita: Ok, well did you know that there is an alternative?
Telemarketer: No.
That no had a strong ‘you have got to be fucking kidding me’ tone attached to it.
Nikita: Firefox is one of the alternatives. It’s safer, faster and a hell of a lot cooler.
Telemarketer: Ooookkk.
Tone now more of a sarcastic ‘you’re insane and I’m so about to hang up’.
Nikita: If you’d like more information go to Getfirefox.com.
Silence hung in the air for a few seconds, and then I could hear her rustling around, possibly looking through the manual on what to do if the person you’re calling tries to talk you into something.
Telemarketer: Um, sur-k…
I beleive that is a new word, a mixture of sure and ok, that oddly enough sounds like a great name for a breakfast cereal. “Sur-K, it’ll put the Sure in your K.” Possible explanation for the new word: She was contemplating why she was a telemarketer when a tiny section of her brain that knew it was wrong exploded and the ‘e’ never made it from her brain to her vocal cords and out of her mouth. It was then that I decided it was time for me to go.
Nikita: Thanks for your time and remember, use the fox.
I had to go, I had other telemarketers to try and covert, such as the insulation dude who was due to ring any minute to enquire if I’m hot in summer and cool in winter and offer to reverse it for me. I also had to make cookies in the shape of the Firefox logo to hand out to the Mormons when they stop by way too early next Sunday morning.
“No I don’t believe in god, but tell me this, do you believe in the great almighty Firefox?”
Kitta.net 
hahaha u’re evil 😛
yeah, i use firefox coz it rulez!
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Thats tooo funny.
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Rock that browser boat!
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He-he, okay, you made me laugh out loud here.. 🙂
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Kitta, you are my new hero! I worked as a telemarketer for one summer (because the job application said “Reservation Agent” and the pay was decent) and hated when people would get angry on the phone (just say no and hang up). But this… reversal would have made my day! It’s low on hostility and high on the “wtf factor.” This is (by far) the best thing I’ve heard for dealing with telemarketers.
PS: Long time reader, first time caller
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hehe this is actually a brilliant idea. Now, I know what’s a good way to counter annoy those telemarketers that I can’t stand wasting time with on the pphone. Good job and funny
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…The phone rings, I answer…”Hello”…
Telemarketer: Hello Mr. Ed I’m calling on behalf of the Brand X credit card company and we’d like to offer you a chance to sign up for our new Titanium card…
Me: *silence*
Telemarketer: Hello, Mr. Ed are you there?
Me: No, Mr. Ed isn’t here. I’m Mr. Smith, Mr. Ed’s landlord, and that no good bum owes me 6 months back rent! If you hear from him will you let me know?
Telemarketer: Uuuuummm, OK Mr. Smith, sorry to bother you…CLICK.
They don’t call me anymore.
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Hehe, that’s great.
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lol last time i was in a telemarketing place there was actually a card on the wall telling them what to do in certain kinds of situations such as that, one of them actually suggested that they cry like a baby. Go firefox!
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Brilliant! Next time somebody calls me up and tries to sell me life insurance, I’ll try to sell them . . . birth control.
(And Firefox.)
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LOL, that was good. I get so sick of those darn telemarketers. That one got a taste of their own medicine. LOL… and I bet they won’t call again either.
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That’s awesome. I hate getting calls from Telemarketers and I will generally just hang up. I think I’m going to try what you just did to have some fun.
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Lol, nicely done.
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Oh my, I don’t know whether to bow down, throw petals at your feet or sing hali-kitta-ulah!! 😛
That is the coolest thing I’ve heard all year.
ROFLMFAO <— see? I never type that, ever…
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Hello! I discover your site by chance.
I like it !
I will return to read you! With soon, good work. From Belgium,
http://leraleur-na.skynetblogs.be
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Now there is a form of evangelism I can get behind.
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Haha,excellent 🙂
whenever I get spam email these days I sent them an email back with a page full of links for my website.
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hahaha, that is one of the best ideas I have heard yet! I should try to sell somethign to the telemarketers too. hehe.
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you’re lovely! i would never have thought of doing that LOL
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I like your method…. I might use it someday, although I think I might try to sell them on Opera. I use Firefox for gmail, but find Opera wayyyyy more cooler. Especially with the new version that uses voice commands!!! How cool is that???
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I like your method…. I might use it someday, although I think I might try to sell them on Opera. I use Firefox for gmail, but find Opera wayyyyy more cooler. Especially with the new version that uses voice commands!!! How cool is that???
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Cheers for the return fellow monkey lover.
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Genius Kitta… genius.
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I love it! One telemarketer phoned and asked if she could ask me one question, I said sure, she asks if I have double glazing, I say no, she then preceeds to ask if I’d ever consider it, at which point I inform her I’ve answered her one question and that in reflection, it probably wasn’t the best…
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i LOVE to mess with the telemarketers! there is no greater joy than seeing the ‘unknown’ pop up on my caller id durring dinner… as any sympathy for the telemarketer i may have had is instantly dissipated by their interuption of my dining! i don’t get many calls these days.. maybe i’m on a list.
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I use Firefox…….my cousin told me about it a month or so ago. It’s a sweet deal. But what’s your infatuation with it?
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Nice one Girl!
Made me laugh out loud!
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Destined to become urban legend.
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i would love to see you in action with the saturday morning mormons. I think you’d give john saffron a run for his money
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You’re an angel. 🙂
A very funny one.
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ROFL!!! HAHA Nikita your such a nerd! I love it!!! keep it up!
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You write the best Internetisms ever.
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Now that you are one with the fox, we just have to convert you to the one true faith Linux!!
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Nice one. I would do that here but there’s two problems.
One: telemarketers are, for the most part, recordings. Yes, people are that lazy here.
Second: I’m one of the 20 people that knows how to use the internet, let alone a computer.
Of the other 19, most use Firefox.
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You. Are. A. Genius.
Gold.
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What I fun !
Gotta try this out … last month already called 3 or 4 of those poor beeings 😉
greets
Masta
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lmfao :p you’re pure genius.
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That’s awsome. My technique was yell at them and tell them to leave me alone. But trying to convert them to something is a better idea. Messing with peoples minds is wickked fun.
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I love Firefox best browser available. I used to use Mozilla but, Firefox is bettter
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Your going to kill me, that’s how funny you are.
I am still lauging about the cookies.
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LMAO! I have been thinking of new ways to amuse myself when those god awful telemarketers call! You have given me inspiration! I think I might just convert them into Mac users….. 🙂
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Hahaha! I’ll try it next time~
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That was great. I never tried to convert them but I have used the tactic of acting insane, generally telling them about my pet dog and his habits ( I don’t have a dog , but I am a bit crazy) They eventually get tired of listening to me and hang up. I think I may try this on the next Mormans that visit. Thanks Kitta for the insight.
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That is a brilliant solution to the telemarketer problem! Very funny!
I totally agree with you about firefox.
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Haha, that’s the best!!! i should try that sometime.. 🙂
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Looks like I’m not the only one suffering from unsolicited phonecalls. If you’re into making fun of callers, check out egene mirman’s dialogues with homophobous marketers from Oklahoma: http://www.eugenemirman.com/shows.html (scroll to Anti Gay Phone Call I and II).
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Nice , firefox hit 51 mill,thanks to your efforts ….haaaa
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ROFL, this is a great idea, I once saw a sheet on the net of research someone was doing for a thesis, on how to question and extract info from telemarkerters, had fun with that. Will have to try the idea of selling stuff back to them 🙂
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just reading back through entries…
all i can say is that i love you beyond all human measure for comfusing telemarketers in such an amusing and worthwhile way 😀
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I thought I was the only person who did that that kind of thing to telesales people.
I once tried to sell someone our old falling apart metal shed, they were very confused and hung up on me.
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The best site with nice design.
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