http://kitta.net Don't feed or spank the monkey Fri, 28 Mar 2008 16:50:36 +0000 http://backend.userland.com/rss092 en There are a few things you do not expect to say while watching a supposedly controlled and family orientated Easter fireworks display. One of these things is, "I'm not staying here, I'll probably be killed" or "too dangerous" you also don't expect to turn around to find a distressed mother trying to find the first-aid tent to treat her young son who copped a firework to the face, causing his cheeks to welt and his cries to recoil in pain. Unless you attend a supposedly controlled and family orientated Easter fireworks display in Rockingham... When you hear me say "ow" or "fuck" it's because I was hit by bits of fireworks, and yes, I do believe I was entitled to the swearing, Mum. When you hear the kid in front say "ow fuck" it's because a smouldering amber hit him in the leg. When you hear various crowd members scream, "ow fuck my eyes" as fireworks that make a 'sizzle' sound are launched, it's because the crowd was treated to a good old fashioned carnival eye burning. And when you hear me say "too dangerous" it's because I finally realised how foolish it was to be that close, and promptly moved away, only ... http://kitta.net/2008/03/29/easter-fireworks/ My life has been set on pause for the last few months. Every day I have been waiting; waiting for the nurse to return my call, waiting while driving an hour to the hospital, waiting for the doctor, waiting for a lift, waiting in line at the café around the street because the hospital has banned my beloved Coca Cola, waiting for the night to end without receiving an urgent call about her condition, waiting at a specialists, waiting for a time machine to be invented so I can go back to last year and prepare for said waiting. My grandmothers health has been poor since late last year. A late night trip to the hospital last August revealed a long sinus pause in her heart, the doctor was slightly concerned and referred her to a cardiologist who performed various tests. One of the last tests he ordered was a holter monitor in February. After wearing the holter monitor for 24 hours she was told that the cardiologist would take a look and get back to her in a few days. She strolled down to the bus stop and decided to stop in the city to do some shopping before returning home. ... http://kitta.net/2008/03/18/paused/ One of my boyfriends highly professional workmates purchased a KitKat at work, and to his amazement, it had no wafers present amongst the chocolatey goodness. Shock and horror was felt among the workers to find a waferless KitKat. As my boyfriend likes to fight against evil doers and injustice in the workplace - occasionally when I forget his job description, I just say he works for Torchwood - he decided to call Nestle and transcribe the entire conversation, and then email it to me for my perusal and enjoyment... "Hello, how can I help you?" "Well, I just had a disappointing experience with one of your chocolate products." "Oh, I'm sorry to hear that, which product was it?" "The KitKat." "Was that a standard KitKat?" "It was branded as such, but I soon discovered it was substandard." "So what was the problem with the KitKat?" "I guess you could say it had no Kat in it." "No cat in it?" "Yes, it was missing the delicious chocolatey wafer Kat centre." "Oh, that definitely would have made the experience less enjoyable." "Definitely. It was a disappointment to find the absence of the wafer inside. I mean, I would say that would ... http://kitta.net/2008/01/19/kit-without-the-kat/ According to Wired's third annual Sexiest Geeks list, I am one of 2007's sexiest geeks. I'm unsure what one is meant to say when they receive such a prestigious and esteemed nomination. Every year, Wired nominates the smartest, sexiest and most Wired men and women of the year. I'm up there with the sexy greats; Danica McKellar, Kary Byron, Amber MacArthur, Kary Byron (her clone), Morgan Webb, Olivia Munn, Leah Culver, Veronica Belmont, Felicia Day, Leah Culver (another clone), Kristen Bell, Alyson Hannigan and Joss Whedon. Who sadly seems to be the last man standing in the top-rated list. Whedon must possess some awesome fanboy powers or have hundreds of monkeys to do his evil biddings. And then there is me, somewhere in the middle of it all, with 830 positive and 476 negative votes. Accompanying my photo is a short description which claims that I possess "mad CSS skillz" and that I enjoy playing WoW. Mad CSS skillz, that is such a nice thing for you to say... I mean, my code is really depreciated. I know, I've been wanting to release my re-design into the wild, but I'm trying to overachieve with it, do something amazing, which is a bit like ... http://kitta.net/2008/01/05/sexiest-geek/ I've never been a fan of resolutions made hastily while celebrating the start of a new year. Why not embark on resolutions throughout the year, instead of making unreachable resolutions to cease bad habits, then proceeding to give them up before the Easter bunny is due? I prefer predictions. So ladies, gentlemen, drunk people who are waking up from NYE induced paralysis, ninjas, and pirates; here are my 2008 predictions for your perusal... Imitation beer flavoured Coca Cola; no alcohol, no sugar, no fat, no point. An American man tries to eBay his wife's brain. He claims she no longer uses it. Cookie Monster comes out of the closet and admits he really loves brownies, not cookies. Amy Winehouse is arrested for kidnapping a four year old boy. She maintains the boy curled up and fell asleep in her beehive hairdo, and that she was too drunk to hear the screams of terror upon his waking in the darkened beehive of doom. Signs used during the writers strike announce that they will be striking until demands of better hours and conditions are met. One sign says he was left on the side of the road while a writer ... http://kitta.net/2008/01/02/2008-predictions/ As an intuitive reader of my site, you may have noticed that I haven't blogged in over a month. Which is about four months in blog world. Some of you may have even emailed me, questioning if I was... Dead A zombie Joined a cult Killed by one of the people using my photos on profiles sites so they could use my skin during a date to be me in reality It warms my heart that you all care for my well being and skin. It really does. Don't worry. The last time I checked I wasn't dead, and given my undead state, I cannot possibly be a zombie. I'm also not into drinking the koolaid before flying into a volcano with Tom Cruise, and given the current state of scientific and medical advancements, there is no way the skin trick could work. The main reason I haven't blogged is because my website was moved to a different server, which resulted in some downtime and instability. It's all fixed now thanks to the glorious people at Contrast Hosting. The other reason, which many of you can associate with at this time of year, is that I have been busy. Busy buying meaningful presents on a limited budget, catching ... http://kitta.net/2007/12/23/ho-ho-holdup/ Another day, another person stealing my photos and posting them on a dating website. This time, it's a dating advert on Craigslist, entitled "Beautiful Girl Needs Someone!" At least this time I'm not into group relationships or grannies. This time, I desire quiet evenings in front of the fire cuddling and watching a movie, I lust after someone who will go on a bike with me and allow me to cook a real meal for them. I'm not sure what I mean by 'real meal', possibly I was into imagining food at some point, and have since moved onto real food. "I enjoy having a good time am told that I am a lot of fun to be with. I like to be spontaneous and spur of the moment is ok with me. I like to do crazy funny things.. Yet, I also like quiet evenings in front of the fire cuddling and watching a movie. Would like to meet someone of same interests, Someone to go on the bike with, someone to cook a real meal for, someone to just spend time with and hang out and talk with." I'm sure the flock peeps will love the free publicity. Myself, on ... http://kitta.net/2007/11/16/wrongfully-single/ Apparently, I'm a 5'6" lesbian living in the UK, looking for 18 to 99 year old single gay woman, female gay couples and groups for a relationship or 1-on-1 sex. I work in the media and have a rather average bust. Above all, I'm looking for honesty. That is what a profile on gaydargirls.com says. It was brought to my attention by a reader who recognised the photos as mine and sent me an email regarding the profile. I have emailed gaydargirls.com asking for the profile to be removed. I'm not sure what aggravates me the most; the fact someone stole my photos or that they said I'm 5'6" and seeking a 99 year old woman. The rest of the biography on the profile is literary genius... "Like so many others i have been caught out after i have given my address to someone on here! So i expect some bloke to turn up at some point, scary stuff! makes a change to take a knife with me to bed instead of a woman! Whats the point in describing yourself when you have a pic?? What i like is a different story, women mainly, surprise surprise! seriously im a normal sort of ... http://kitta.net/2007/11/13/wrongfully-gay/ I was perusing my postal vote ballet paper for the 2007 Australian federal election today, and one party caught my eye, as I'm sure it will do so with other postal voters and the rest of Australia on election day... There is a party called 'What Women Want' in this years election. First thing that came to mind was Mel Gibson waxing his legs while drunk in the aptly named movie. Then I started to ponder their policies... Free tampons. Laws against partners coming home later than 1am after drinks with the boys. Chocolate and red wine added to the PBS. Tax free shoes. Low interest home loans for any guy that builds a girl a house like in The Notebook. Paid toil days for that time of the month. Emergency manicure and pedicure treatments on Medicare. Support line for women who think they are fat/ugly/alone/lacking chocolate/etc, that is operated by caring gay men that have obtained Cert III in Gay Caring For Premenstrual Women from TAFE. And yes, I am aware that by making these jokes about women - and their wants - I'm setting us back ten years, but they started it by naming their party 'What Women Want.' As always, first party to buy me an LCD HDTV will ... http://kitta.net/2007/11/07/what-women-want/ This weekend the boyfriend and I went to see Resident Evil: Extinction at the movies. It was an enjoyable zombiefest full of blood, sharp knives, zombies and viruses. A few of my favourite things. I specifically enjoyed the part when they handed a zombie a phone to test how 'domesticated' it was... It would have been increasingly funny if they handed over an iPhone and said zombie was a Apple fanboy that tried to make a booty call to zombie Steve Jobs, but hey, that's just my thoughts on how the plot could have incorporated another item I love. The plot wasn't without flaws - as with most zombie movies, flaws are more rampant than the zombies themselves - at one point the boyfriend leaned over and pointed out a major flaw during the movie... "Who do you think has the job of dressing the zombies in little uniforms and putting on their gloves?" Good question. I have been contemplating this. I do believe that if zombies were to walk the earth and infect the population, thus turning the living into a walking army of moaning cannibals, should the small amount of humans that do survive require a zombie stylist, the job of dressing captured ... http://kitta.net/2007/10/28/zombie-stylist/