Dear Trolley Thief,
We met today at the supermarket. Do you remember? I left my trolley full of food and some of my mail unattended for only a few seconds with the belief that no one is desecrate enough to steal another shoppers trolley. Oh how I was wrong.
As I looked at turkey steaks in the meat section you did just that, you broke The Supermarket Rules by sneaking in and whisking my trolley away down an aisle. It’s squeaking wheels were muffled by the shrieking sounds of “I Think I’m In Love With You” by Jessica Simpson playing over the speakers. By the time I realised what had transpired you had already starting filling said trolley, my trolley, full of cheap cuts of meats and potato chips to blend in with the food buying crowd. You can’t trick me Mr Trolley Stealer. I checked every trolley in the supermarket and finally found you after you eluded me for ten minutes in the canned good section.
It was easy to pick you out. The blueberries and tampons gave you away as they don’t fit with your beard, long unwashed hair, tacky plaid shirt and male genitalia look you have going on.
When you were caught, you looked guilty and wouldn’t make eye contact, you tried to use some story about how you were merely escorting the trolley to the front of the store to report it as lost, that Doritos and chunky beef style soup just happened to fall into it on the way to the front of the store, then you became so dazed and confused by the magical moving food that you yourself became lost and couldn’t work out the front from the back of the store. I saw right through your magical food facade. I demanded you cease and desist holding my trolley hostage, at which point you ran like the potato chip loving little girl that you are.
The only logical reason I can determine for the supermarket aisle robbery is the fact I had mail in my trolley ripe for the picking. Granted, I am aware that one should not leave anything valuable in their trolley, alas, if you had looked more closely you would have seen that my mail consisted of no real value. Besides bills, the only item of worth was a Kath & Kim magnet set I purchased on eBay. I know it felt heavy and you probably thought it was drugs, but I can assure you, there was nothing of worth and the magnet set wouldn’t have been your cuppa tea.
Mr Trolley Stealer, if I see you again in the fruit section I would duck if I was you, because I’m highly protective of my trolley and retaliation comes in the form of a flying pineapple being hurled at your head.
Love and blueberries,