It’s a Boy!
Posted on Tuesday, 30th January 2007 at 6:39pm9 Comments Ensuing
I receive some strange emails from time to time, ones that contain incoherent grammar and life stories about a dog named Jed who likes ice cream and I should totally meet one day, others contain nothing but questions that are so confusing it would take a crack team of code breakers to interpret. And from time to time I receive emails that clearly aren’t meant for my consumption…
From: Tammy
To: Nikita
Date: Jan 27, 2007 4:02 PM
Subject: Crossing Guards needed for January 29 - February 2Please let me know if you can help out with this.
Tammy
I thought that informing the sender that they had the wrong email would be the swiftest way to stop future crossing guard spam. So I replied.
From: Nikita
To: Tammy
Date: Jan 27, 2007 5:46 PM
Subject: Re: Crossing Guards needed for January 29 - February 2Tammy,
Sorry no can do, given that I am not a crossing guard and I have no idea who you are or why you are emailing me.
Kitta
One would think that would be equivalent to a “sorry wrong number” and the sender would get the idea. But not our Tammy.
From: Tammy
To: Nikita
Date: Jan 27, 2007 7:00 PM
Subject: Re: Crossing Guards needed for January 29 - February 2I’m with the Kodiak Football League and once a month we do crossing guard duty to make money for the league. I received your name due to you having a boy in football.
Tammy
This Tammy, she is one smart cookie, she saw right through my reply. She knows that I am trying to get out of being a crossing guard at my imaginary boys football game. I thought it was about time to show Tammy who’s boss.
From: Nikita
To: Tammy
Date: Jan 28, 2007 1:00 AM
Subject: Re: Crossing Guards needed for January 29 - February 2I have a boy? Last time I checked, I was sure that I have never given birth, and even if I did, I’m sure he would be more into CSS and surfing than football. That is how I imagine my imaginary child to be, a CSS ninja that surfs by day and codes by night. What is my imaginary child’s name?
And who is this person who gave you my name and said I am with child? I would like to talk to them about defaming my childless character and clear my child free name.
Kitta
Tammy has yet to reply.
Come on Tammy, be a good sport like your child and play along, don’t leave me wondering what my imaginary child is like. I just want to know his name! Just a name!
Australia Day
Posted on Friday, 26th January 2007 at 10:24pm8 Comments Ensuing
I found out today that I have been nominated for Best Australian or New Zealand Weblog in the Seventh Annual Weblog Awards, which is quite fitting given that it is Australia Day today. If you have a moment to spare, please vote for my blog, voting will close on February 2nd and winners will be announced on March 12 at SXSW.
Australia Day celebrates the day that Captain Arthur Phillip unfurled the British flag at Sydney Cove and proclaimed British sovereignty over the eastern seaboard of Australia in 1788. Nowadays, it’s predominantly about 40 degree days, BBQs, drinking, fireworks, cricket games and the Australian of the Year being announced.
Very few know the true history of that fateful day, many are to believe that Byron Bay was the location where Captain Arthur Philip unfurled the flag, I thought I would provide a timeline of events surrounding Australia Day for those who enjoy trivia and history…
- 1788 - Captain Arthur Phillip unfurls the British flag at Sydney Cove and proclaims British sovereignty over the eastern seaboard of Australia.
- 1808 - First recorded celebrations on 26 January.
- 1818 - Governor Macquarie holds the first official celebrations on 26 January, marking 30 years of white settlement.
- 1836 - First ‘Anniversary Regatta’ held on Sydney Harbour. Now called the Australia Day Regatta, it is the oldest continuous regatta in the world.
- 1838 - Fiftieth anniversary of Captain Phillip’s landing and commencement of traditional ‘Australia Day’ public holiday in NSW.
- 1888 - Centenary celebrations for Anniversary Day.
- 1901 - Federation of the Commonwealth of Australia.
- 1931 - ‘Australia Day’ adopted in Victoria.
- 1932 - ‘Australia Day’ adopted in NSW, only to be reversed to ‘Anniversary Day’ by the incoming state government.
- 1935 - Commonwealth Government and all States and Territories, except NSW, adopt ‘Australia Day’ as the official title for our national day.
- 1938 - 150th anniversary celebrations across the nation.
- 1946 - All States and Territories celebrate January 26 as ‘Australia Day’.
- 1960 - Sir Macfarlane Burnet named the first Australian of the Year.
- 1968 - Lionel Rose becomes the first Aboriginal Australian of the Year.
- 1979 - National Australia Day Council formed, incorporated in 1990.
- 1988 - Bi-centennial celebrations and for the first time a united public holiday on January 26 across the nation.
- 1992 - Inaugural Survival Concert held at La Perouse, now an annual event.
- 1994 - All States and Territories begin to celebrate Australia Day on January 26 for the first time.
- 2006 - Paris Hilton is paid million by an Australian beer company to party and look hot.
And for those of you that don’t care for history and would much rather a good addictive flash game, the ‘Rocky the Cocky’ game is highly addictive and amusingly named.
Happy Australia Day.
Voodoo Radio
Posted on Sunday, 21st January 2007 at 9:50pm7 Comments Ensuing
Something very strange and mystical has been happening to me lately. For the last few months I have had a radio present in my bathroom so I can listen to the radio while I have a shower, and every time I turn on the radio to have a shower a Nickleback song is playing.
Every. Single. Time.
Different variables do not matter; times of day, radio station, (Nova, 92.9, 96fm, CoastFM, I swear even Triple J has forsaken me) none change the outcome. The Nickleback monster always intrudes upon my shower just as I lather my shampoo.
Do I take this as a sign? I don’t know. Is the radio cursed by a voodoo priest that prays to the Nickleback gods? Maybe. Are tiny little trolls that live inside my radio trying to turn me into a Nickleback loving zombie? Possibly. Is Nickleback paying Perth radio stations thousands of dollars to ruin my showering experience? Totally. Will I get indexed on Google under ‘Nickleback Zombies’? Fuck yeah.
All I know is that if I hear one more Nickleback song I’m going to smash the radio (and it’s trolls) into tiny little bits, then put the bits into a container and attach lead weights to it and let it corrode at the bottom of the ocean.
Then we shall see who has their pants around their feet!
2007 Predictions
Posted on Tuesday, 9th January 2007 at 11:04pm8 Comments Ensuing
My predictions for 2007…
- Lindsay Lohan fancies herself as a politician, moments later she finds a stray dog to play with and then contemplates being a dog washer.
- Water flavoured Coca Cola; no calories, no sugar, no fat.
- Michael Jackson and Paris Hilton hook up. He impregnates her and the whole world hopes there will never be a sex tape and that the baby isn’t male.
- Miss USA contest now scours MySpace for suitable skanky contenders. Entrants told to reveals as much as possible and cry like a baby when asked about revealing photos from their past, they will also be required to pose for playboy after having a press conference saying they regretted said revealing photos.
- McParis meal; stick of celery, 1/2 a cup of water, small peeled baby carrot and an annoying yappy little dog toy.
- A TV network funds a new reality TV show called ‘Nigerian Prince’ in which ladies must compete to win the heart and millions belonging to the prince, millions that he claims are hidden from secret agents and family members, only one lucky lady will be given the honour of handing over her bank account.
- Britney Spears starts an underwear line called ‘Upskirt’ so she will never be without a pair again.
- Oprah starts Vodcasting.
- People finally know what the word Vodcast means because Oprah is doing it.
- Rosie and Donald resolve their issues in a Wii boxing match. Rosie kicks some ass and Donald says that it just proves she is a man. Entertainment Tonight broadcasts the event and the IQ of everyone watching drops dangerously low.
- Apple releases the iTooth, their smallest version of the iPod that fits into a cavity in your tooth. Users can jam anywhere without the need of headphones. It also releases iMint mouthwash every hour to keep your mouth iMinty fresh.
- Two guys make millions from some .com they cooked up in their basement filled with rats, hundreds of completely frivolous beta’s pop up, their owners hoping that they too will be bought out by Google.
- Some guy knocks himself unconscious with his Wii remote and lies dead for days in his apartment. Wii now know as an extreme gaming console and only available to purchase with proof of identification. Wii’s now overtake sales of kidneys and baby on the black-market.
- Playstation developers contemplate making their controllers deadly to improve sales, spikes and replacement of rumble packs with electrocution packs considered.
- Rabbits now cooler than Ninjas and Pirates combined.
Bloguary
Posted on Sunday, 7th January 2007 at 12:29am2 Comments Ensuing
It’s Bloguary, the month formally know as January, that special month right after Christmas when every civil blogger turns into a crazed zombie that groans “awarddddsssss” in comments. They crave Bloggies like they are gold statues filled with sweet, sweet virgin baby blood, when in reality it’s an accolade printed on a bit of paper. Winners of Weblog of the Year were once given a shiny golden star that sort of resembled a rock, a few years ago I asked Ernie about the coveted golden rock that he won, he said “it would make a good paperweight.”
I was reading the nominations for the Australian Weblog Awards and saw one that has to be the most snide, delicious, and devilish nomination ever to grace it’s pages…
I nominate “Iain Hall, Heterdox Man” in the following categories:
- Best Illiterate Blog
- Best Try-Hard Blog
- Best Comment-Free Blog
- Best Performance by an Internet Stalker (twice)
- Best Dial-up-from-a-Queensland-cow-farm Blog
Happy Bloguary, may the best blogs win and inspire.
Spoiltopia and Beyond
Posted on Wednesday, 3rd January 2007 at 2:57am8 Comments Ensuing
I have been quite busy lately; killing zombies with buckets, racing cars at absurd speeds, kicking little Asian girls asses in surreal tropical surroundings and sneaking up on rats in deep dark caverns.
As you can see in the above picture, I am now the proud owner of an Xbox 360, it was given to me by the loving boyfriend, Matt, as a Christmas present. Also, you should note that my nails are very long, very real, and very pink. I can officially say that I am spoilt, beyond spoilt in fact, it’s my belief that I’m in another universe of spoilt. I resemble the sun commanding the other planets of Spoiltopia to yield to their allocated courses or succumb to being flung into oblivion. Matt disputes the nirvana of Spoitopia. His argument is that he loves spoiling me and that I should enjoy it, so I shall.
Xavier is the name I have given my shiny new Xbox 360 (I name everything with a HDD) and we have become great friends. Alas, my friends and family have informed me that it was time to come up for air and catch up on email, blogging and life before everyone thought I had died of food poisoning or a firework gone awry.
Christmas was extremely hot, and also very peculiar given that Candy was not present on the day, she flew out to San Francisco on December 17th for a holiday. On Christmas Eve I took Matt to meet my extended family. He still has all limbs attached so one could say it went particularly well. We slept in late on Christmas day and enjoyed a late lunch consisting of turkey, ham, roast vegetables and all the trimmings. My mother cut into the turkey while it was upside down and became concerned when she found no meat, she was relived when I flipped it back over to show bountiful amounts of turkey meat. I received a Fantasy perfume gift pack and Lost box set from my mother, a Palmer’s body butter pack and Body Shop goodies from my grandmother, ‘Next’ by Michael Crichton from my brother, a Dymocks gift card from Matt’s parents and I am still awaiting the arrival of a present from a friend overseas. I am amazed at the sheer amount of thoughtful presents I received for Christmas.
New Years Eve was our first anniversary. We decided that due to the heat we would spend it having a roast dinner and watching some movies. We missed SoaP when it was out in the cinemas and had been anxious to see all the snakey plane action. Matt gave me gay porn and love cuffs, that are not intended for children under three years, as an anniversary gift.
My new years resolution is simple: finish my bloody re-design before my current design becomes mouldy and decayed.
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