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I Am Heartbroken

Posted on Wednesday, 1st February 2006 at 5:44pm
26 Comments Ensuing

If there is one thing I excel at in life, it is making brownies, no one I know makes brownies like I make brownies. So much so that they have been nicknamed ‘Kick Ass Brownies’, the nickname was given to them when a friend tried them for the first time and I asked them what they thought, their reply was simply “kick ass”. They are also known as ‘Marry Me Brownies’, due to the fact that when someone eats one the first words out of their mouth is normally “marry me Kitta”, to which I always reply “you just want me for my brownies”.

Today I learnt the shocking truth that one of my so-called brownie lovers has been cheating on me behind my apron tied back, he has been eating another womans brownies!

Noodlez: I am sorry to say, but I can’t marry you anymore.
Kitta: Aww.
Noodlez: Bec makes even better brownies.
Kitta: OMG that bitch!
Kitta: I am shocked!
Kitta: I…
Noodlez: Ha ha.
Kitta: You brownie cheater!
Kitta: You could have said “I think I need to eat other peoples brownies”, but no, instead you went behind my back and ate her brownies!
Noodlez: Hey! You kept saying no, so I went and found someone else.
Noodlez: Someone who would accept me for my brownie loving ways.

I had to end the conversation there, I was shocked and appalled, and his betrayal has left me feeling heartbroken and unloved. It’s as if he stabbed me in the heart with the chocolate covered knife I use to cut said brownies that he once claimed as his beloved. He brownie cheated on me, with her, the she-devil brownie making minx!

One day she will stop making him the brownies that he loves so dearly, and then he will come crawling back to me, begging and pleading for me to make him some brownies like I once did. But I won’t make them for him, I won’t let him eat a crumb or even lick the spoon, oh no, I have learnt a cruel lesson today that I will remember until the day I die. I will tell him to go find his brownies elsewhere, and he will end up in Thailand with a young girl that charges by the hour, uses unsanitary cooking implements and says “me bake for you long time”.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to go jump off a very high building, the rejection is just too much to bear, and I can no longer live in a world where my brownies are no longer kick ass.

26 Responses to “I Am Heartbroken”

becca comments:

February 1st, 2006 at 6:38pm

I almost cried laughing at this. I heart you, Kitta– and your brownies are the ONLY ONES FOR ME.

Kitta comments:

February 1st, 2006 at 7:29pm

Heart you too Becca.

Erik comments:

February 1st, 2006 at 11:36pm

Maybe you should branch out and start selling your brownies online. Share the kick-assedness of your browning with the world.

stu comments:

February 2nd, 2006 at 1:45am

brownies are not such a big thing over here, kitta i love those glasses to much

Tom comments:

February 2nd, 2006 at 3:23am

I would die just for a chance to smell your brownies, ah, men can be such fools.

kris comments:

February 2nd, 2006 at 5:50am

mmmm, brownies… much better then cake or pie. I’m a big fan of Betty Crocker brownies…. my favorite! mmmm…. i’m hungry now.

dang, i had something else to say, but for the life of me, i can’t remember what it is… I guess I will just go eat something then

Alexander Berglund comments:

February 2nd, 2006 at 6:50am

I somehow adore you and your style :adore: Just, just keep writing

(And btw, if you say your brownies are that good, I promise I will never cheat on your brownies – just send them this way ^^)

Renzo comments:

February 2nd, 2006 at 7:29am

so your brownies are that good???
hmm… how much will it cost to have some sent my way!!!!???

David Cohen comments:

February 2nd, 2006 at 9:14am

What are you going to do about The Other Woman (Bec)? Does she have a blog/site we can deface?

Nina comments:

February 2nd, 2006 at 11:35am

Men and their brownie-loving ways! *Fumes*

Just don’t start going through the “brownie slutty” period where you cook brownies for all the boys in the neighborhood. It’s tempting to sow your wild brownie oats (flour?), but try to remain classy. ^_~

Steve comments:

February 2nd, 2006 at 9:11pm

That Bec better not be Cartwright. Otherwise she’ll start selling them too…

bruno comments:

February 2nd, 2006 at 10:07pm

Baby, I”ll eat your brownies anyday.

nickadonian comments:

February 2nd, 2006 at 10:36pm

“me bake for you long time”….the single funniest thing ever!! Oh me so hungry!!

Matteh comments:

February 3rd, 2006 at 10:14am

hahah, you blog about brownie cheating and google ads matches this up with private investigators… I say we hire a PI to mess up Bec’s brownie recipe!

Noodlez comments:

February 3rd, 2006 at 5:41pm

Well at least I came out and told you. I figured you would rather hear it from me instead of from someone else.
And to be honest, all you ever did was lead me on. Tempting me with the next time I would get to taste those brownies of yours.
I just found someone who is willing to give me brownies anytime I want them.

We can still be friends?

tina comments:

February 3rd, 2006 at 10:06pm

Awww soo sad
NAH! I burst out laughing here,honestly.
You’re so funny

Bec Wiley comments:

February 4th, 2006 at 5:45am

Hi Kitta,
It’s the She-devil brownie making minx. What can I say… I didn’t mean to ruin your life, please don’t jump! You see it’s partly HIS fault anyway (here’s the part where I start to blame other people) because he didn’t tell me that you were famous for your kickass brownies until he was stuffing mine into his mouth with crumbs cascading down. Granted, I could have taken action and pried them out of his hand at the thought of him brownie cheating on you, but at the time I was too scared of losing multiple fingers.

Maybe mine aren’t the best anyway, maybe it was just due to the fact that he hasn’t been getting any from you for a while and had to settle in finding his forfillment elsewhere. It’s been so long since he tasted the source that a substitute seemed better than it actually was. Maybe it was the added frills like the fact that they had 3 different kinds of Lindt chocolate in the mix, was topped with raspberry sauce and connoisseur vanilla icecream. What can I say.. I know I’m a hussy but I just wanted his Love!!!

You see I could also blame my friend Jen who’s recipe it is, and infact she makes them even better than I do. I even burnt them a little on top! I’m sure when it comes down to it yours are probably better and healthier too. If it came down to comparing, the shear thought of a bake-off would terrify me so much with all that pressure that I’m sure yours would turn out far superior. My lemon tart on the other hand…

And babe, a reply to you. Just because the first came free, don’t think the next will. You have to EARN your brownie rewards. Don’t think you will get them whenever you want! It’s my way of making sure you stick around.

In closing Kitta, I want a husband too one day, and this may have been the only way to secure it. I’m sorry, but I was desperate! You have so many men dying to marry you for your brownies that I thought you wouldn’t notice one slip. Please let this one go and I’ll promise to never make brownies for any other man besides him again

Fabian De Rango comments:

February 4th, 2006 at 2:18pm

check out cafepress and see if they allow you to sell your brownies online

Noodlez comments:

February 4th, 2006 at 2:28pm

And that my friends is why I love her so much

Bob comments:

February 4th, 2006 at 11:15pm

A man will say almost anything to eat a girl’s brownies.

natedog comments:

February 8th, 2006 at 9:35am

how do i get some of bec’s brownies?

Bec Wiley comments:

February 8th, 2006 at 2:09pm

Sorry Natedog, I’m a one man only brownie maker. I have to be totally devoted, besides I promised Kitta that I would only steal one man from her marriage list. LOL
Bec xx

Kitta comments:

February 8th, 2006 at 2:24pm

Bec: Thank you for clarifying the situation, I knew there were more ingredients to the story than Noodlez let on. And you can have Nate, I don’t want him. :p Just donâ€™t put your brownies anywhere near my Matt and we’re cool.

Jenn comments:

February 8th, 2006 at 2:37pm

C’mon now! It’s only fair that those of us who will never be able to show our devotion to you and your ‘Kickass Brownies’ be able to make them ourselves. Empower us and share the recipe!!! Those things look freaking awesome!

RenzoRoberts.com comments:

February 10th, 2006 at 12:45pm

I want one now…

Okay, maybe it’s because I have had a very long day already, but, I found this halarious!
As seen on Kitta.net:
Today I learnt the shocking truth that one of my so-called brownie lovers has been cheating on me behind my apron tied back, he has be…

Jafana comments:

February 26th, 2006 at 2:00pm

Bec has much to answer for.

Stealing my brownie receipe and then *perverting* it with such things as raspberry sauce and vanilla ice-cream.

I’m so terribly sorry, Kitta, that this disaster has occurred,and caused you such heartbreak.

I shall raid Bec’s house and take back the stolen receipe, to ensure no such evil can be repeated.

I too have issues with said man and his predilection for chocolate foodstuffs. Clearly bec could do better. And honestly – you’re much better off without him counted in your list of brownie suitors. ;-p

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Kitta

Nikita (Kitta) Kashner is a 20-something year old girl who lives in Perth, Western Australia. Trained blogger, photographer, jewellery designer, writer, gamer, sexy geek and monkey tamer, who spends her spare time trying to stop the Little Red Monkey from taking over the world. So far, she's stopped him 43 times... Continue?