Banned Christmas Toys
Posted on Wednesday, 21st December 2005 at 2:36am16 Comments Ensuing
Christmas is near and with Christmas comes toy sales or as they should be called evil sales, consisting of parents beating up each other for the last expensive toy that their child will break in under a minute and eventually enjoy the box more than the actual toy. Here are some of the toys that Santa and his world dominating elves (they are little and they sing, if Santa was not around to drug them into zombies they would be eating our brains gremlin style by now) would not allow in the Christmas toy evil sales…
Back yard drug lab
Includes:
- Police scanner
- Inflatable dodgy backyard shed
- Equipment that could blow up any minute
- Life like stoner dolls to do your biddings and test your drugs potency
- Unmarked police car cut-out to place across the street
Make drugs for all your friends; speed, crack, ice and all your favourite illegal street drugs. Hours of psychedelic fun! Ambulance and Hospital cover not included.
Price: Current street value of one hit of heroin.
Hooker dress up set
Includes:
- Stained dress
- Tacky gold condoms
- Panda eyes makeup kit
- Guide to working the corner and giving head
- Subscription to Workin’ Girl magazine
Pleasure the boys and see if you can get a tip or be kicked to the curb. Work the corner just like the big girls do. Will your milkshake bring all the boys to the yard? Fake drug money included, pimp sold separately.
Price: $69
Queer eye for the straight guy play kit
Includes:
- Complicated book of recipes to give out
- Shaving tips
- Samples of expensive hair products
- Samples of the latest couture that look like they came from a $2 bin, but really cost $1000 and a blowjob to get even get on the waiting list to buy them
- ‘How to be bitchy like Carson’ phrase book
Be Kyan, Carson, Ted, Jai or… that other guy. Run up to your friend’s house all excited from too much hairspray and tell them how much their life sucks, then show off their porn collection, rummage through their belongings, bitch about their lack of hygiene and poor fashion – just like the real Fab 5.
Price: On sale, was $2000, now $2.95!
Paris Hilton the board game
Includes:
- Blindly pink game board with annoying glitter that goes all over you
- Small Paris shaped game pieces dressed in different bright pink designer clothes
- That’s hot game cards
- An annoying toy Tinkerbell dog that barks when you take too long to roll the die
- A collection of Greek shipping heirs that you must become engaged to and break up with as soon as possible, and a variety of cars that you must get them to smash
You and your friends all get to be Paris and whoever is more overexposed wins. Make a porno film, have your own reality TV show, write a terrible book, release some perfume, put your name to various items, ™ a saying, use the phrase “that’s hot” to define every emotion. Who will you get Paris to sleep with? How will you make Paris pose? Can you name all the men she has fucked? And who will she become engaged to next and get bored of before she makes it down the isle? It’s all up to you in the Paris Hilton board game. IQ may drop for a short period while playing this board game, overuse may result in permanent damage.
Price: Like, one million dollars, sexy.
Professional blogger play set
Includes:
- ‘How to Blog’ a guide to blogging
- WP and MT
- I’m blogging this shirt
- Variety of web application sticker to cover the scratches on your laptop
- Flickr Pro Account
Be a professional blogger, just like Kottke, beat credited media to a story and gain an audience of loyal followers. Try to increase you CPM, Technorati/Google rank and win a Bloggie or maybe a Webby before you burn out. Choice of WordPress or Movable Type blogware, five templates included. Code your own design at your own risk. Not suitable for children with poor grammar and spelling. Trolls and spam sold separately.
Price: Your soul.
16 Responses to “Banned Christmas Toys”
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Keg comments: December 21st, 2005 at 2:59am
Reply to this comment.Your amusing posts bring mirth to my pantaloons!
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darkhorse comments: December 21st, 2005 at 5:59am
Reply to this comment.Ouch!
What do you have against Xmas?
Christmas is about making the wishes of loved ones come true. So why do parents buy a really expensive, hard to get, had-to-ebay-my-soul-to-get-it gift for their kids? Cuz world peace isn’t happening!
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Baron comments: December 21st, 2005 at 6:16am
Reply to this comment.Well-written XD
And you wouldn’t believe it, but that last gift…. is the worst one possible. It has the greatest toll on a person’s life.
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Noodlez comments: December 21st, 2005 at 12:44pm
Reply to this comment.Maybe I could bring out an add-on to the Hooker Dress Up set…
Pimping for beginners set
Includes:- Enough bling bling to out do Mr T
- Book on how to talk so that no-one understands what you are saying while sounding cool
- Your choice of weapon- Baseball bat, brass knuckles or sword hidden inside pimp stick
Find a hooker, exploit her so much that there is no change she can buy her way out while getting as much sex as you want for free. Keep getting more hookers while expanding your turf. Just watch out for flying bullets as you move into the underground drug scene to support the habits of your hookers.
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Mark comments: December 21st, 2005 at 3:02pm
Reply to this comment.I swear some of those hooker dress-up sets have hit the streets already. Ah, Rockingham City…
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Imee comments: December 22nd, 2005 at 11:59am
Reply to this comment.your sense of humor never fails to amuse me. have a great holiday!
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nickadonian comments: December 22nd, 2005 at 8:32pm
Reply to this comment.kitta, kitta, kitta…..you’re way to cool to be a nerd! Im so confused!
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Kitta comments: December 23rd, 2005 at 12:21am
Reply to this comment.Mark: They are apparently being sold on the black toy market.
Nick: I am a geek, not a nerd.
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so geeks can be cool…..? Interesting theory! But I dont think geeks can be cool and sexy…so thats puts you into yet another category! You are one of a kind Kitta…the sooner you realise that, the sooner we can all move on.
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cyphertube comments: December 23rd, 2005 at 10:31pm
Reply to this comment.Geek pride, baby! w00t!
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Phobia comments: December 24th, 2005 at 2:32am
Reply to this comment.yeah cyphertube! Geek pride!
Geeks can be cool and sexy.. I mean.. just look at Kitta.. so nick.. you should learn to read the t-shirt.. er. I mean STFU Please…
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Nick: What is your problem with geeks? I am a geek, I am cool and I am sexy. Get the fuck over it.
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Kitty comments: December 24th, 2005 at 11:36am
Reply to this comment.“Price: Your soul”
Unfortunate, but oh so true!Reply
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Awesome!
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Dan M ME USA comments: December 25th, 2005 at 1:37am
Reply to this comment.How about a Cindy pron star dress up doll?? that might be a hit! That way, You have the cartoon, Her web site and now a doll. Didn’t you call her that or did I get that wrong about, CIndy the pron star?? Anyway, Merry Christmas and Happy New Year to all of you in blog land.
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whistler comments: December 27th, 2005 at 2:30pm
Reply to this comment.i like the design of your site. Very nice. Merry Christmas.
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