The phone rings and I pick it up, because that is what one does with a phone…
Telemarketer: Hi I’m calling on behalf of [Insert phone company which calls so much it could be classified as stalking], would you be interested in changing over to [Insert stalkers name again]? If you change over now we’ll pay half of your existing bill.
Nikita: Half you say?
Telemarketer: Yes, half.
I was reeling her in, giving her a taste of a sale and then…
Nikita: No, I wouldn’t, but let me ask you a question. What is your current web browser?
Telemarketer: Excuse me?
Nikita: Web browser, the software you use to view websites, most people use Internet Explorer.
Telemarketer: Ahh yeah, I umm, think I use that one.
Nikita: Ok, well did you know that there is an alternative?
That no had a strong ‘you have got to be fucking kidding me’ tone attached to it.
Nikita: Firefox is one of the alternatives. It’s safer, faster and a hell of a lot cooler.
Tone now more of a sarcastic ‘you’re insane and I’m so about to hang up’.
Nikita: If you’d like more information go to Getfirefox.com.
Silence hung in the air for a few seconds, and then I could hear her rustling around, possibly looking through the manual on what to do if the person you’re calling tries to talk you into something.
Telemarketer: Um, sur-k…
I beleive that is a new word, a mixture of sure and ok, that oddly enough sounds like a great name for a breakfast cereal. “Sur-K, it’ll put the Sure in your K.” Possible explanation for the new word: She was contemplating why she was a telemarketer when a tiny section of her brain that knew it was wrong exploded and the ‘e’ never made it from her brain to her vocal cords and out of her mouth. It was then that I decided it was time for me to go.
Nikita: Thanks for your time and remember, use the fox.
I had to go, I had other telemarketers to try and covert, such as the insulation dude who was due to ring any minute to enquire if I’m hot in summer and cool in winter and offer to reverse it for me. I also had to make cookies in the shape of the Firefox logo to hand out to the Mormons when they stop by way too early next Sunday morning.
“No I don’t believe in god, but tell me this, do you believe in the great almighty Firefox?”