Don't make me go monkey magic on your ass.
Dont even think about it...

On behalf of Firefox

Posted on Monday, 25th April 2005 at 2:56am
- 55 Comments Ensuing


The phone rings and I pick it up, because that is what one does with a phone…

Telemarketer: Hi I’m calling on behalf of [Insert phone company which calls so much it could be classified as stalking], would you be interested in changing over to [Insert stalkers name again]? If you change over now we’ll pay half of your existing bill.

Bugger.

Nikita: Half you say?
Telemarketer: Yes, half.

I was reeling her in, giving her a taste of a sale and then…

Nikita: No, I wouldn’t, but let me ask you a question. What is your current web browser?
Telemarketer: Excuse me?
Nikita: Web browser, the software you use to view websites, most people use Internet Explorer.
Telemarketer: Ahh yeah, I umm, think I use that one.
Nikita: Ok, well did you know that there is an alternative?
Telemarketer: No.

That no had a strong ‘you have got to be fucking kidding me’ tone attached to it.

Nikita: Firefox is one of the alternatives. It’s safer, faster and a hell of a lot cooler.
Telemarketer: Ooookkk.

Tone now more of a sarcastic ‘you’re insane and I’m so about to hang up’.

Nikita: If you’d like more information go to www.getfirefox.com.

Silence hung in the air for a few seconds, and then I could hear her rustling around, possibly looking through the manual on what to do if the person you’re calling tries to talk you into something.

Telemarketer: Um, sur-k…

I beleive that is a new word, a mixture of sure and ok, that oddly enough sounds like a great name for a breakfast cereal. “Sur-K, it’ll put the Sure in your K.” Possible explanation for the new word: She was contemplating why she was a telemarketer when a tiny section of her brain that knew it was wrong exploded and the ‘e’ never made it from her brain to her vocal cords and out of her mouth. It was then that I decided it was time for me to go.

Nikita: Thanks for your time and remember, use the fox.

I had to go, I had other telemarketers to try and covert, such as the insulation dude who was due to ring any minute to enquire if I’m hot in summer and cool in winter and offer to reverse it for me. I also had to make cookies in the shape of the Firefox logo to hand out to the Mormons when they stop by way too early next Sunday morning.

“No I don’t believe in god, but tell me this, do you believe in the great almighty Firefox?”






















55 Responses to “On behalf of Firefox”

  1. victor comments:

    2. April 25th, 2005 at 3:03am

    hahaha u’re evil :P
    yeah, i use firefox coz it rulez!

    Reply to this comment Reply to this comment.

  2. Dave comments:

    3. April 25th, 2005 at 3:28am

    Thats tooo funny.

    Reply to this comment Reply to this comment.

  3. BigA comments:

    4. April 25th, 2005 at 3:38am

    Rock that browser boat!

    Reply to this comment Reply to this comment.

  4. Dominik comments:

    5. April 25th, 2005 at 3:41am

    He-he, okay, you made me laugh out loud here.. :)

    Reply to this comment Reply to this comment.

  5. Stephen comments:

    6. April 25th, 2005 at 3:52am

    Kitta, you are my new hero! I worked as a telemarketer for one summer (because the job application said “Reservation Agent” and the pay was decent) and hated when people would get angry on the phone (just say no and hang up). But this… reversal would have made my day! It’s low on hostility and high on the “wtf factor.” This is (by far) the best thing I’ve heard for dealing with telemarketers.

    PS: Long time reader, first time caller

    Reply to this comment Reply to this comment.

  6. zied comments:

    7. April 25th, 2005 at 4:43am

    hehe this is actually a brilliant idea. Now, I know what’s a good way to counter annoy those telemarketers that I can’t stand wasting time with on the pphone. Good job and funny

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  7. Ed comments:

    8. April 25th, 2005 at 6:22am

    …The phone rings, I answer…”Hello”…

    Telemarketer: Hello Mr. Ed I’m calling on behalf of the Brand X credit card company and we’d like to offer you a chance to sign up for our new Titanium card…
    Me: *silence*
    Telemarketer: Hello, Mr. Ed are you there?
    Me: No, Mr. Ed isn’t here. I’m Mr. Smith, Mr. Ed’s landlord, and that no good bum owes me 6 months back rent! If you hear from him will you let me know?
    Telemarketer: Uuuuummm, OK Mr. Smith, sorry to bother you…CLICK.

    They don’t call me anymore.

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  8. Firas comments:

    9. April 25th, 2005 at 6:56am

    Hehe, that’s great.

    Reply to this comment Reply to this comment.

  9. nycgirl comments:

    10. April 25th, 2005 at 7:19am

    lol last time i was in a telemarketing place there was actually a card on the wall telling them what to do in certain kinds of situations such as that, one of them actually suggested that they cry like a baby. Go firefox!

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  10. grimsb comments:

    11. April 25th, 2005 at 8:48am

    Brilliant! Next time somebody calls me up and tries to sell me life insurance, I’ll try to sell them . . . birth control.

    (And Firefox.)

    Reply to this comment Reply to this comment.

  11. Chandra comments:

    12. April 25th, 2005 at 9:08am

    LOL, that was good. I get so sick of those darn telemarketers. That one got a taste of their own medicine. LOL… and I bet they won’t call again either.

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  12. Glenn comments:

    13. April 25th, 2005 at 9:34am

    That’s awesome. I hate getting calls from Telemarketers and I will generally just hang up. I think I’m going to try what you just did to have some fun.

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  13. Priscilla comments:

    14. April 25th, 2005 at 9:35am

    Lol, nicely done.

    Reply to this comment Reply to this comment.

  14. LeonLandGersing.com : Powered by Poem comments:

    15. April 25th, 2005 at 12:29pm

    The best way to stop telemarketers
    Everyone’s fav Austrailian, Kitta, has posted her reply to an actual telemarketer. By becoming one herself!

    Reply to this comment Reply to this comment.

  15. Loddy comments:

    16. April 25th, 2005 at 2:48pm

    Oh my, I don’t know whether to bow down, throw petals at your feet or sing hali-kitta-ulah!! :P

    That is the coolest thing I’ve heard all year.

    ROFLMFAO <— see? I never type that, ever…

    Reply to this comment Reply to this comment.

  16. le Râleur.na comments:

    17. April 25th, 2005 at 3:14pm

    Hello! I discover your site by chance.
    I like it !
    I will return to read you! With soon, good work. From Belgium,

    http://leraleur-na.skynetblogs.be

    Reply to this comment Reply to this comment.

  17. Apollo comments:

    18. April 25th, 2005 at 4:58pm

    Now there is a form of evangelism I can get behind.

    Reply to this comment Reply to this comment.

  18. sarah comments:

    19. April 25th, 2005 at 5:17pm

    Haha,excellent :)

    whenever I get spam email these days I sent them an email back with a page full of links for my website.

    Reply to this comment Reply to this comment.

  19. Aaron comments:

    20. April 26th, 2005 at 12:41am

    hahaha, that is one of the best ideas I have heard yet! I should try to sell somethign to the telemarketers too. hehe.

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  20. kelly comments:

    21. April 26th, 2005 at 1:19am

    you’re lovely! i would never have thought of doing that LOL

    Reply to this comment Reply to this comment.

  21. kris comments:

    22. April 26th, 2005 at 2:39am

    I like your method…. I might use it someday, although I think I might try to sell them on Opera. I use Firefox for gmail, but find Opera wayyyyy more cooler. Especially with the new version that uses voice commands!!! How cool is that???

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  22. kris comments:

    23. April 26th, 2005 at 2:39am

    I like your method…. I might use it someday, although I think I might try to sell them on Opera. I use Firefox for gmail, but find Opera wayyyyy more cooler. Especially with the new version that uses voice commands!!! How cool is that???

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  23. Neil comments:

    24. April 26th, 2005 at 4:12am

    Cheers for the return fellow monkey lover.

    Reply to this comment Reply to this comment.

  24. Rose comments:

    25. April 26th, 2005 at 6:47am

    Genius Kitta… genius.

    Reply to this comment Reply to this comment.

  25. Lauren comments:

    26. April 26th, 2005 at 7:53am

    I love it! One telemarketer phoned and asked if she could ask me one question, I said sure, she asks if I have double glazing, I say no, she then preceeds to ask if I’d ever consider it, at which point I inform her I’ve answered her one question and that in reflection, it probably wasn’t the best…

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  26. MCG comments:

    27. April 26th, 2005 at 10:52am

    i LOVE to mess with the telemarketers! there is no greater joy than seeing the ‘unknown’ pop up on my caller id durring dinner… as any sympathy for the telemarketer i may have had is instantly dissipated by their interuption of my dining! i don’t get many calls these days.. maybe i’m on a list.

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  27. Cat comments:

    28. April 26th, 2005 at 2:04pm

    I use Firefox…….my cousin told me about it a month or so ago. It’s a sweet deal. But what’s your infatuation with it?

    Reply to this comment Reply to this comment.

  28. fat freddy comments:

    29. April 26th, 2005 at 3:58pm

    Nice one Girl!
    Made me laugh out loud!

    Reply to this comment Reply to this comment.

  29. Ramses comments:

    30. April 26th, 2005 at 4:23pm

    Destined to become urban legend.

    Reply to this comment Reply to this comment.

  30. alex comments:

    31. April 26th, 2005 at 6:27pm

    i would love to see you in action with the saturday morning mormons. I think you’d give john saffron a run for his money

    Reply to this comment Reply to this comment.

  31. fserb comments:

    32. April 26th, 2005 at 9:07pm

    You’re an angel. :)
    A very funny one.

    Reply to this comment Reply to this comment.

  32. Matt comments:

    33. April 26th, 2005 at 9:08pm

    ROFL!!! HAHA Nikita your such a nerd! I love it!!! keep it up!

    Reply to this comment Reply to this comment.

  33. Mark comments:

    34. April 27th, 2005 at 12:49am

    You write the best Internetisms ever.

    Reply to this comment Reply to this comment.

  34. lanser comments:

    35. April 27th, 2005 at 2:36am

    Now that you are one with the fox, we just have to convert you to the one true faith Linux!!

    Reply to this comment Reply to this comment.

  35. Vidar comments:

    36. April 27th, 2005 at 7:33am

    Nice one. I would do that here but there’s two problems.
    One: telemarketers are, for the most part, recordings. Yes, people are that lazy here.
    Second: I’m one of the 20 people that knows how to use the internet, let alone a computer.

    Of the other 19, most use Firefox.

    Reply to this comment Reply to this comment.

  36. just a.juby comments:

    37. April 27th, 2005 at 7:35pm

    die telemarketer scum!
    I like Kitta’s new way of dealing with telemarketers….

    Reply to this comment Reply to this comment.

  37. metao! comments:

    38. April 27th, 2005 at 8:01pm

    You. Are. A. Genius.

    Gold.

    Reply to this comment Reply to this comment.

  38. Masta comments:

    39. April 27th, 2005 at 10:17pm

    What I fun !

    Gotta try this out … last month already called 3 or 4 of those poor beeings ;)

    greets

    Masta

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  39. Imee comments:

    40. April 28th, 2005 at 2:10am

    lmfao :p you’re pure genius.

    Reply to this comment Reply to this comment.

  40. Keddy@Home comments:

    41. April 28th, 2005 at 10:17am

    That’s awsome. My technique was yell at them and tell them to leave me alone. But trying to convert them to something is a better idea. Messing with peoples minds is wickked fun.

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  41. wareagle27 comments:

    42. April 30th, 2005 at 4:16am

    I love Firefox best browser available. I used to use Mozilla but, Firefox is bettter

    Reply to this comment Reply to this comment.

  42. Victoria Timar comments:

    43. May 2nd, 2005 at 11:24am

    Your going to kill me, that’s how funny you are.

    I am still lauging about the cookies.

    Reply to this comment Reply to this comment.

  43. Suz comments:

    44. May 3rd, 2005 at 7:47pm

    LMAO! I have been thinking of new ways to amuse myself when those god awful telemarketers call! You have given me inspiration! I think I might just convert them into Mac users….. :)

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  44. Julia comments:

    45. May 4th, 2005 at 9:16pm

    Hahaha! I’ll try it next time~

    Reply to this comment Reply to this comment.

  45. Me I Guess comments:

    46. May 5th, 2005 at 5:35am

    That was great. I never tried to convert them but I have used the tactic of acting insane, generally telling them about my pet dog and his habits ( I don’t have a dog , but I am a bit crazy) They eventually get tired of listening to me and hang up. I think I may try this on the next Mormans that visit. Thanks Kitta for the insight.

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  46. Joie comments:

    47. May 5th, 2005 at 10:06am

    That is a brilliant solution to the telemarketer problem! Very funny!
    I totally agree with you about firefox.

    Reply to this comment Reply to this comment.

  47. Maya comments:

    48. May 5th, 2005 at 11:34am

    Haha, that’s the best!!! i should try that sometime.. :)

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  48. Sahanya comments:

    49. May 8th, 2005 at 3:40pm

    Werbeanrufe
    Einen Tipp um nervige Werbeanrufe direkt im Keim zu ersticken hat Kitta: „Welchen Browser nutzen sie?” (Das Original weiterlesen)…

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  49. Philipp Marquardt comments:

    50. May 13th, 2005 at 9:06pm

    Looks like I’m not the only one suffering from unsolicited phonecalls. If you’re into making fun of callers, check out egene mirman’s dialogues with homophobous marketers from Oklahoma: http://www.eugenemirman.com/shows.html (scroll to Anti Gay Phone Call I and II).

    Reply to this comment Reply to this comment.

  50. MetaActive comments:

    51. May 17th, 2005 at 12:48am

    Nice , firefox hit 51 mill,thanks to your efforts ….haaaa

    Reply to this comment Reply to this comment.

  51. Helen comments:

    52. May 17th, 2005 at 11:38am

    ROFL, this is a great idea, I once saw a sheet on the net of research someone was doing for a thesis, on how to question and extract info from telemarkerters, had fun with that. Will have to try the idea of selling stuff back to them :)

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  52. Keg comments:

    53. June 20th, 2005 at 6:22pm

    just reading back through entries…

    all i can say is that i love you beyond all human measure for comfusing telemarketers in such an amusing and worthwhile way :D

    Reply to this comment Reply to this comment.

  53. Nick Bramwell comments:

    54. June 23rd, 2005 at 11:47pm

    I thought I was the only person who did that that kind of thing to telesales people.

    I once tried to sell someone our old falling apart metal shed, they were very confused and hung up on me.

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  54. Kendal comments:

    55. June 10th, 2006 at 5:47am

    The best site with nice design.

    Reply to this comment Reply to this comment.

  55. • the unreliable narrator • : if we stay swimming here forever we will never be free comments:

    56. September 9th, 2006 at 8:53pm

    [...] Oh, the race of men, who above all else desire power. Well, it was inevitable, both that he would seek and that I would find—and hey, I think in some distant clinical corner of my mind, at least he’s using Firefox. (Which reminds me of Kitta’s hilarious guide on how to completely freak out and thereby get rid of telemarkers—all while simultaneously proselytizing contra IE! It’s so crazy it’s brilliant.) [...]

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