Sit, Stay, Heel

I was once told dogs can understand over two dozen words, which got me thinking, what are some of the words that Harry understands? So I've put together a list of words Harry seems to recognise...

• Food - He'd personally love it if this was the only word I ever said.
• Mat - The thing I tell him to sit on when he's bothering me while I'm trying to cook the above word.
• Walkies - Something we (myself and Harry) hardly ever do these day due to the fact he likes to walk me and dislocate my shoulder.
• Outside - The cold world. Outside is somewhere he'd rather not be.
• Couch - The warm world. A place he'd like to never move from.
• Gwammy - My grandmother. The person who brings him yummy treats and me warm hand-knitted scarfs.
• Din-din - That fantastic time of the day when he gets food, streamers fall, balloons appear and the whole world has a parade at this time of day. It's din-din time.
• Stinky - His nickname.
• Cat - That thing that gets to sleep on couch and seems to be given food 50 times a day. To be avoided at all cost. Has sharp claws that have been known to nearly take out an eye.
• Wheres-ya-ball - Said very quickly to hype him up. A ball hunt begins shortly after this word is said.
• Boozy - His other nickname, normally said whenever he does that "I didn't do it" face.
• Bath - Something that is hardly ever done, as he is not fond of baths.

I'd like to note that there is no 'sit, stay, heel' or any other normal doggy words in there, he understands them alright, he just doesn't want to do them, especially the 'heel' one. When I have a moment of insanity, forget the past shoulder injuries, and we do go on 'walkies', he seems to think 'heel' means "Yes, go piss on that tree, and that lamppost, and that other tree, and that letter box... Hell, piss on everything if you please."

An open letter to my back

Dear lower back,

Hello, how are you today? We're having some really cold weather lately, aren't we...?

Ok, let me get straight to the point. I know that I've royally fucked you up in the past by falling on you and such, and that it's taken me a while to sort out what was wrong with you, but do you have to keep telling me about it? The chest pains a few months ago, middle back pains for the past few weeks and the headaches this week are truthful not needed. I get it.

I've been trying to get you fixed too, attending physiotherapy sessions and even letting friends do strange healing on you, but all you can do is complain. There's no "thanks mate", no sign at all that you notice, just sharp stabbing pains. All I ask for is a nice warm feeling, just to show that you care.

Anyway, I don't understand why you're being like this, we've been together for nearly 20 years this August, I've always treated you well by bending at the knee's when lifting and putting heat packs on you during cold nights. Maybe you've forgotten about all that. It seems to me that you're being very selfish, all the other parts of my body totally agree, even the feet. You might have noticed that the hands have completely ignored you over the past few months, they've had it with you, and some of the major organs are pretty close to doing the same thing.

You, my dear back, can be a total wanker some days. If you want to be like this, fine, but remember I can always take some pain killers to shut you up, even if they do make me forget my shoes and see creatures that look like water bottles during the night. I'll so do it!

Listen, cut the crap or I'll get a new back on eBay!

Love always,
Nikita